Give Yourself a Hand

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Thearapist,

I am approaching one year without a relationship and nine months of celibacy (yes, we got back together a few regrettable times). To put it bluntly, I am horny as hell. I live in an extremely men-less environment, with all male friends spoken for (that's why they're FRIENDS) and promises of blind dates of course forgotten by the next, hungover, day. One night stands do not appeal to me and have recently found myself fantasizing about said friends (eew). Presumably men do fantasize about their female friends but am not so sure vice versa. Would acting upon my fantasies be the path to hell? Should I hang onto my monastic life until I find that Someone Special again?

-Licentious Guilt


Dear Licentious,
STOP! Do not attempt to get with your guy friends who are spoken for. Acting on these thoughts will ensure that you not only don't have a boyfriend, but no longer have any regular style friends either. I know this hook-up might seem like an alright idea at this moment in time, but that's only because you haven't had sex in forever. Contemplating moral decisions you know to be wrong is a normal natural side effect of pent up lust and sexual frustrations. Before you do something that you and everyone you know will regret, you need to masturbate furiously. While this won't solve your man problems, it will help you to more rationally assess your situation. I firmly believe, with all my unlicensed therapeutic heart, that the longer one goes without sex, the crazier one becomes. I know that if I go for more than a week, my behavior becomes erratic and completely unfocused. If it has a similar effect on you, it will be another strike against you in your search for someone special. As far as fantasizing about your friends while you rub one out, this is totally acceptable. I think most people would be flattered to know that someone out there is thinking about them in that way. This does not mean you should tell them about it, EVER. That's one of those secrets that has the potential to be exceedingly creepy. So, take one hand off your keyboard, clear the cobwebs out of your head, and get back in the game.

Your personal cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist.