Friday, November 21, 2008

The Perenial Holiday Delima

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
It seems like we are being pulled in too many directions for the holidays: my parents vs. my wife's parents for Christmas; switching our thanksgiving meal to accommodate my brother having to go to three different meals to accommodate his wife's divorced and remarried parents; ETC! How do I not let this ruin the season for me?
-Hating the Hassle of the Holidays

Dear Hating,
You are not alone. I don't know of anyone, regardless of how tight nit or scattered to the wind their family is, who doesn't find this time of year to be stressful and on the brink of ruination. I have prepared three recipes for having a happy holiday which I hope will help humanity at large to enjoy the season.

1. Become a Jehovah's Witness.
Once you join this church you will never have to celebrate any holidays ever again. Think of all the money and time you'll save by never decorating or buying gifts for anything ever again. Not only that, you also never have to vote again, say the pledge of allegiance, or sing the national anthem.

2. Quit Hatin'.
If you spend half the time thinking about how to make great holidays, as you do thinking about how horrible and inconvenient they're going to be, you'll have the best ThanksChristmas ever.

3. Get Down With the Sickness.
My family's tree is as broken and twisted as it gets, making every single family get together either impossible, or necessary of several replications in different locations. The last time we had a simple family holiday was Easter 2006. After trying for some time to figure out just how divide the hours of the day between five separate family events something magical happened; we all got the flu. For the first time ever, My wife, kids, and I spent a wonderful fevered holiday alone at home as a family. So, overbook your holidays. Say yes to everything and be over accommodating. Then the week before, go to the sickest person at your work, and dig through their trash can. Pull out the used tissues, put them in your pockets, and let the germs do the rest. While you're lying there surrounded by the sound of loved ones blowing their noses, put on A Christmas Story and bask in the warm glow of familial love and your immune system running at full bore.

Merry Whatever and Happy the Other Thing,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Who Wants to Date a Loser?

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice but I know his story and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I've tried to put her off but she won't stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date?
-Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated,
You have just entered into my third favorite relationship paradox; the degree of acquaintance to a person is proportional to the number of truly horrible things you know about that person. This is why it's so much easier to date a person you've just met rather than someone you've been friends with forever. The biggest problem for you, and the loser brother, is that most of the information you have about him probably comes from his sister complaining about how he used to pee on the neighbors dog, beat up homeless people, and steal medicine from the neighborhood retirement home. In all actuality though, he probably never really peed on the dog, but just said he did to sound cool. As for finding him someone to grind his professionally disgraceful loins against, I recommend fixing him up someone who has wronged you in the past and deserves to be stuck in a soul killing relationship they will never get out of because every time they try he will threaten to kill himself. If you are to nice for that kind of payback, you should try befriending some women who work for Health and Human Services and set them up with him. Not only are they trained to deal with people like that, but they're all kind of suckers for a fixer upper.

Your Friend/Holy Avenger,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist