Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Mom and Pop Moneybags

Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
How can I be sure that I wasn't abused as a kid and the the memories aren't just suppressed in my subconscious?
My parents are getting up in years and their bank accounts are advanced as well. If I am a victim, and I think I may be, I'd say I'm entitled to some compensation.
Please help!

-Crossing my Fingers

Dear Fingers,
Blaming your parents for all your problems is a completely normal and socially acceptable thing to do. Especially when those problems center on the fact that they have more money than you. Unfortunately, you're a couple years too late to hop on the old "suppressed memory" gravy train. Courts and Licensed therapists have been collectively viewing the credibility of this kind of evidence akin to a Michael Bay plot. Jurisprudence today however, is on a new witch hunch against "elder abuse" and if you get caught for trying to squeeze dollars out of your poor old folks you're going to be really screwed. You say they're getting older, so maybe all this situation really calls for is patience. But if you can't wait because you've got a big gambling debt, or your house is being foreclosed on, or you went halfsies on a small yacht and a Real Doll with with Charlie Sheen , then it might be time to take out a large insurance policy and fake your own death. You can forget about the rat race when you steal a hobo's corpse, dress it up in your clothes, sit it in your car, light the car on fire, roll it into a electrical substation, and CASH THAT CHECK! In order to get the check though you're going to need an accomplice. Make sure your accomplice is trustworthy and not another hobo - unless because of a head injury you accidentally confuse the beneficiary hobo with the burned up in the car hobo! The camera starts close up on the cover of your daily paper, then pulls back to reveal it's you reading it on a beach in the Caribbean. Something in the picture strikes you as odd. You realize that the hobo in the car was the one who was supposed to cash the check. You scream out to the heavens "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fade to black. Roll Credits. In your face Michael Bay!

-Jason Adair Unlicensed Thearapist

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Race Against Racism

Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
Barack Obama seems idealistic and a bit unrealistic to me. I have a hard time admitting this as I'm worried it makes me a racist. Does it?

Don't Want to Offend Anyone

Dear Don't,
Whether you're racist or not is not really the issue here. Since you're having trouble admitting these feelings, the real problem is that you're concerned of being perceived as a racist. It's this fear that keeps a lot of people from speaking their mind about important topics, like oppression, hate crimes, and why most breakfasts are really deserts disguised with a sprig of parsley. Your participation in this charade is contributing to the covering of polite American society in eggshells which we are all forced to walk on, which is leading us down a path littered with horribly conceived junior college "artwork" we all have to endure when we want to audit a figure drawing class.

The biggest favor you could do for America and yourself is to break the mold and let out the hateful, misogynistic, bigoted, shallow little person you keep locked up inside. I know that might seem idealistic and a bit unrealistic to you, but I'm sure it's much more believable coming from a middle aged white man.

You're welcome,

Jason Adair
the Unlicensed Therapist

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Mooseknuckle Junction

Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
Ok, so I have this friend right. He's in a phase where his pants are moose-knuckle friendly if you know what I'm saying. How do I break it to him that this is simply unacceptable?

I'm not sure that being straight forward about it is the best path. He's the kind of guy who is never wrong. I'm leaning toward some type of public humiliation. What advice can you give me?

Moose be Gone

Dear Moose be Gone,

The prominent public display of men's testicles goes all the way back to the Greeks, specifically Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, aka George Michael. Though his record label discouraged his wearing mooseknuckle inducing trousers for photo shoots, he could be found sporting the "fig satchel" look at various night clubs/public restrooms in the greater LA area. This trend, like chest waxing and karaoke, caught on with the gay community and has been transmitted from bi-curious college students to the hetero public at large.

At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I will agree that somebody does need to put a stop to these kids and their mooseknuckling. At the same time, I don't want to call for it's outright extinction, as there are certain situations where it is acceptable. (see below)

As far as your friend goes, is he getting any traction with the ladies with this tactic? You do say that he's always right. Could it just be a case of sour grapes because your knuckle is not getting the attention you think it deserves?

Either way, if you do want to change his behavior, I think humiliation is the ticket. The most effective way to do this would be to enlist the skills of a comely female to point at his crotch while doing her best impersonation of a moose call.

If you can't get a girl to do this for you, since you don't seem to have much luck with the ladies, you should try something a little more subtle. Simply hold up your hand, palm towards him, constantly blocking his mooseknuckle from your sight. He, and everyone else around, should catch on pretty quick. But for this to work you must be consistent, which means when you are around him, you must always have one hand free. Be warned though, if you take this route it could turn into a war of attrition, so before you start, ask yourself if you could keep it up for several years, as it could come down to that.

Your friend,

Jason Adair
the Unlicensed Therapist

Thursday, April 24, 2008

All your problems solved: FOR FREE!

My name is Jason Adair, and I am an Unlicensed Therapist. Not only am I totally unrecognized by any licensing board, I have absolutely no training in any therapeutic field. But I'm not going to let that hold me back in the "helping people" department. Nothing would make me happier than to hear all about your problems and dole out some sage wisdom concerning them. What's more, because I have no formal training, I'm offering theses services FOR FREE! So, if you're having a problem and don't have anyone to turn to, leave it as an anonymous comment below and I'll do my best to help you work through it.
No, Thank you,

Jason Adair
Unlicensed Therapist