The Perenial Holiday Delima

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
It seems like we are being pulled in too many directions for the holidays: my parents vs. my wife's parents for Christmas; switching our thanksgiving meal to accommodate my brother having to go to three different meals to accommodate his wife's divorced and remarried parents; ETC! How do I not let this ruin the season for me?
-Hating the Hassle of the Holidays

Dear Hating,
You are not alone. I don't know of anyone, regardless of how tight nit or scattered to the wind their family is, who doesn't find this time of year to be stressful and on the brink of ruination. I have prepared three recipes for having a happy holiday which I hope will help humanity at large to enjoy the season.

1. Become a Jehovah's Witness.
Once you join this church you will never have to celebrate any holidays ever again. Think of all the money and time you'll save by never decorating or buying gifts for anything ever again. Not only that, you also never have to vote again, say the pledge of allegiance, or sing the national anthem.

2. Quit Hatin'.
If you spend half the time thinking about how to make great holidays, as you do thinking about how horrible and inconvenient they're going to be, you'll have the best ThanksChristmas ever.

3. Get Down With the Sickness.
My family's tree is as broken and twisted as it gets, making every single family get together either impossible, or necessary of several replications in different locations. The last time we had a simple family holiday was Easter 2006. After trying for some time to figure out just how divide the hours of the day between five separate family events something magical happened; we all got the flu. For the first time ever, My wife, kids, and I spent a wonderful fevered holiday alone at home as a family. So, overbook your holidays. Say yes to everything and be over accommodating. Then the week before, go to the sickest person at your work, and dig through their trash can. Pull out the used tissues, put them in your pockets, and let the germs do the rest. While you're lying there surrounded by the sound of loved ones blowing their noses, put on A Christmas Story and bask in the warm glow of familial love and your immune system running at full bore.

Merry Whatever and Happy the Other Thing,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist