Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Feeling the Hate

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,

I want to love people. But I often feel the hate coming on. As far as I can tell, the mandate to love/accept/understand people spans every religion, and most enlightened non-religious views. But does the idea of loving everyone cheapen the very idea of love?

-Tired of Loving

Dear Tired,

According to a song my son learned in kindergarten, and the hit book/video/lifegasm "The Secret" the more love you put out into the universe, the more will come back to you. You can argue with my son's beliefs, as he does go to an alternative school, but can you possibly ignore the bazillion copies of the book that people bought for their loser friends? Analytically speaking, loving everyone does not cheapen the idea of love because it is statistically impossible to love two people equally. (Unless they are identical twins. Or paternal twins dying from a rare non hereditary disease). This is possible, because love is not a constant but a variable whose value is dependant upon the relative lovability of the person in question. This allows you to assign different love values to everyone, thus preserving the "good love" for those whom you really love, and the "poor" to "negligible" love for those who keep going on and on about how much The Secret has changed their lives. The best thing about this assigning of values is that it is constantly in flux, which leaves room for your loved ones to jockey for position. (When I worked in an office, I kept a list on my window ranking all my coworkers from most favorite to least favorite. The people who had the most competitive dispositions would try to one up each other to get to the top of the list by giving me food. ) This turns your love into a commodity, whose value can only increase when demand is greater than supply, which will ultimately lead to most people realizing your love isn't worth the price and that they can live without it.

Don't be afraid to share the love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Exciting and Wonderous Search Statistics

I was just going through the stats for this site, trying to figure out how to better serve the internet user at large, when I came across some startling figures. I'm going to reveal them to you, not in an effort to scare you away from this site, but more as an act of full disclosure, just so you know the kind of gang you're hanging with.
Like most internet sites, a good chunk of my traffic comes from people searching keywords on google. Below are the top five keyword searches that will get you to the unlicensed therapist site.

#1 Mooseknuckle/Moose Knuckle %60
#2 Spanking Advice/Help %4
#3 Unlicensed Therapist %4
#4 How to talk Wife into Breast Implants %3
#5 Can You Lick Slugs %2

It's kind of weird to think that the first post I wrote brings in the most traffic. Granted, most of that traffic stays for less than five seconds once they figure out this is not a mooseknuckle enthusiasts site. I guess the thing I need to figure out is how I can best change peoples lives for the better in five seconds or under. I'm going to do my best to crack that nut, but I'd really appreciate your help if you've got any good ideas.

Your Therapeutic Team Mate,
Jason Adair, the Unlicensed Therapist.

Friday, October 3, 2008

My Boyfriend Won't Share

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,

Why is it when you ask the man in your life if you can look at porn with him…the collection you know he has, or the websites you’re aware he visits…he doggedly says, “um yah, sure.” If guys like porn so much, why aren’t they willing to share it with their female partners? We’re willing to hold our noses and plunge into that water because we care. Why aren’t they willing, eager even, to accept the solicitation?

Prohibited Paired Porn, WA

Dear Porn,

The history of your boyfriend and his pornography go waaaaaaaaay back. While you were selling lemonade he was in his closet with an old cashmere sweater in one hand and a National Geographic in the other. The solitary relationship he's built with countless pages of the underwear section of the Sears Catalogue is ancient compared to the sexual relationship he has with you. He's seen girlfriends like you come and go, but the naked girls from Hustler have stayed by him through thick and thin. It's this age old bond with his fantasy world that he doesn't want to risk by inviting you into it. Mostly because he dosn't want you to ruin it. He fears that you will not enjoy looking at the disgusting filth that is the gospel of his id, and that you will look upon his shame and be repulsed. You say you want to plunge into that water, but it's really something you should wade into slowly, becasue it's cold, and dirty, and there's unidentifiable stuff floating in it. If you really want to explore the use of porn in your sex life, don't start with his porn. Find stuff you like and bring it in the bedroom. Be warned though, he'll probably be more supportive if your new interest than all of your old ones combined.

Your sexual mentor,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist