Thanks but No Thanks

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,

I have a friend whose encouragement of some of my less useful pursuits has been so kind, and so important, that I don't really know how to thank him. Any advice?

-Thankful


Dear Thankful,

The proper way to repay this specific flavor of thanks has taken many different forms over the years. In ancient Greece it was covered pretty thoroughly in the myths concerning Jason (no direct relation, though I was actually named after him) and Madea. To thank Jason for supporting her clog dancing Madea killed their children in front of him and killed Jason’s new wife, whom he managed to score while Madea was off on an Acropolis Cloggers retreat. This method of thanks became so popular that the Greeks had to invent the word infantacide, and eventually Alexander I decreed the ending of the play Euripides wrote about the event, Madea, to one where Madea goes “number two” in a basket of reeds, lights the whole mess on fire on Jason’s doorstep, and knock on the door so that he will try to stomp the fire out and end up with shit in his sandals. This caused people to stop going to the play and also to stop killing their children, and is where the phrase “number two” comes from. Through the ages, the construction of the vessel has changed, from reeds, to hemp, to burlap, back to reeds, to linen, back to hemp, until the modern era wherein we use a paper lunch sack, or a chineese food to-go container. Even two thousand years later, the point remains the same: Thanks for distracting me with stupid stuff causing me to miss the boat. In other words, you need to break off the friendshp and befriend someone who will encourage you to work on more useful pursuits.

Your real friend,

Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist