Mom and Pop Moneybags

Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
How can I be sure that I wasn't abused as a kid and the the memories aren't just suppressed in my subconscious?
My parents are getting up in years and their bank accounts are advanced as well. If I am a victim, and I think I may be, I'd say I'm entitled to some compensation.
Please help!

-Crossing my Fingers


Dear Fingers,
Blaming your parents for all your problems is a completely normal and socially acceptable thing to do. Especially when those problems center on the fact that they have more money than you. Unfortunately, you're a couple years too late to hop on the old "suppressed memory" gravy train. Courts and Licensed therapists have been collectively viewing the credibility of this kind of evidence akin to a Michael Bay plot. Jurisprudence today however, is on a new witch hunch against "elder abuse" and if you get caught for trying to squeeze dollars out of your poor old folks you're going to be really screwed. You say they're getting older, so maybe all this situation really calls for is patience. But if you can't wait because you've got a big gambling debt, or your house is being foreclosed on, or you went halfsies on a small yacht and a Real Doll with with Charlie Sheen , then it might be time to take out a large insurance policy and fake your own death. You can forget about the rat race when you steal a hobo's corpse, dress it up in your clothes, sit it in your car, light the car on fire, roll it into a electrical substation, and CASH THAT CHECK! In order to get the check though you're going to need an accomplice. Make sure your accomplice is trustworthy and not another hobo - unless because of a head injury you accidentally confuse the beneficiary hobo with the burned up in the car hobo! The camera starts close up on the cover of your daily paper, then pulls back to reveal it's you reading it on a beach in the Caribbean. Something in the picture strikes you as odd. You realize that the hobo in the car was the one who was supposed to cash the check. You scream out to the heavens "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fade to black. Roll Credits. In your face Michael Bay!

-Jason Adair Unlicensed Thearapist