Saturday, February 7, 2009

Give Yourself a Hand

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Thearapist,

I am approaching one year without a relationship and nine months of celibacy (yes, we got back together a few regrettable times). To put it bluntly, I am horny as hell. I live in an extremely men-less environment, with all male friends spoken for (that's why they're FRIENDS) and promises of blind dates of course forgotten by the next, hungover, day. One night stands do not appeal to me and have recently found myself fantasizing about said friends (eew). Presumably men do fantasize about their female friends but am not so sure vice versa. Would acting upon my fantasies be the path to hell? Should I hang onto my monastic life until I find that Someone Special again?

-Licentious Guilt

Dear Licentious,
STOP! Do not attempt to get with your guy friends who are spoken for. Acting on these thoughts will ensure that you not only don't have a boyfriend, but no longer have any regular style friends either. I know this hook-up might seem like an alright idea at this moment in time, but that's only because you haven't had sex in forever. Contemplating moral decisions you know to be wrong is a normal natural side effect of pent up lust and sexual frustrations. Before you do something that you and everyone you know will regret, you need to masturbate furiously. While this won't solve your man problems, it will help you to more rationally assess your situation. I firmly believe, with all my unlicensed therapeutic heart, that the longer one goes without sex, the crazier one becomes. I know that if I go for more than a week, my behavior becomes erratic and completely unfocused. If it has a similar effect on you, it will be another strike against you in your search for someone special. As far as fantasizing about your friends while you rub one out, this is totally acceptable. I think most people would be flattered to know that someone out there is thinking about them in that way. This does not mean you should tell them about it, EVER. That's one of those secrets that has the potential to be exceedingly creepy. So, take one hand off your keyboard, clear the cobwebs out of your head, and get back in the game.

Your personal cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist.


Anonymous said...

I just wanted to speak up for the many people who's conduct is not influenced by how much sex they have. In other words, the normal people who are NOT crazed nymphomaniacal sexiopaths. Your advice was good, but please recognize that there are people who have not had their psyche's lubed up by the modern mania for physical pleasure.

Anonymous said...

"rub one out?" priceless. You should publish a column featuring the top euphemisms for masteurbation.

Adellamorio said...

Dear Anonymous, please accept my apologies both for my comment and for the fact that your partner probably doesn't feel the same way about this issue. And also, you are a robot.

Anonymous said...

"modern mania for physical pleasure?"
How about genetic programming left over from the days of pre-history?
When survival of the species depended on producing as many offspring as possible.
It took millions of years for our primate brains to develop and less than 10,000 years since we have moved to the security of civilization which allows more offspring to survive and therefore allows humankind to grow with fewer offspring produced.
Thank Buddha that it will be millions more years before our brains deprogram from the prehistoric "Pump out as many as you can!" mentality. With my caveman brain and modern birth control, I am going to ride this wave to the grave!!!

I just wish the Drakkar Noir morning breath hadn't been naturally selected out of our caveman bag of tricks.