Resignation

Dear In Need of Advice,

I'm quitting the advice business. While it was fun, and one of the few projects I've managed to work on longer than a year, I am done. It's not that I don't want to help people, you specifically, it's just that I don't feel like my heart is in it anymore. (see last post if proof is required)

I'm starting something new though. It's a site dedicated to helping people understand how they measure up to the average 37 year old white male. I'm not sure what good this information will do anyone. If you are someone who is wondering whether a habit/ability/weakness you have is above or below average write me an email and I'll put myself to the test and report back. Click on the photo below to get to the site.

At this point there is nothing there, but I should have the first post up after the Fourth of July weekend.

As a parting bit of advice, if you have need of advice in the future try Dear Prudence. I read her every week, and have never been able to come close to giving any advice as good as she does every week.

Your Friend,
Jason Adair the Ex-Unlicensed Therapist

A Great Question

Dear Jason Adair the UNlicensed Therapist,
This is not material for a stand up comedy routine. 30 years ago, Naivete was my name, being so hopeful with this process of being found by a wonderful partner. Not perfect, but mine. Now I am not patient with the waiting process after the last and only one said: I've got to go and find myself. People rave about internet dating; I'm sure he is enrolled. He is going to do everything right this time. Naivete is restrained by distrust and hopelessness. I can not believe in the process and the values of my generation. I never thought I would long for intimacy again. I am not a head turner. Positives: I walk, I volunteer, I work, I spiritualize with no words. The rants of Job are not that popular, and I might be able to move back in those circles again if I don't want to burn my bridges with the forgiving types and my friends. So here I am. Suggestions, please from your generation who might believe some of your tripe. Pilated Woodpecker

Dear Piliated,
Huh?

Sincerely confused,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

There Are So Many Theres There.

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have this nagging feeling that I’m missing out on something, that there’s a million incredible parties that I’m not invited to, and that everyone is having more fun than me. In the past, I used to let this feeling spur me to do foolish things, mainly drinking until looked like spinning Christmas lights until the darkness took me. Now I have a life and responsibilities, so I channel this feeling into work, the gym, whatever. But I still have this nagging feeling that I’m missing out on all the fun, and frankly, it’s depressing. Will it ever go away? Where does it come from?

Anhedoniac in San Francisco.


Dear Anhedoniac,
I know exactly what you mean. And I don't mean that I understand, or that I can empathize with you, I know EXACTLY what you mean. This affliction, which we'll call the Glass Half Full Disorder has been plaguing me my entire life. The root of the problem, in my unlicensed opinion, is that there always seems to be this annoying gap between expectations and reality. Things are rarely as fun or satisfying in real life as they are in theory. This is because our brains make a habit of rooting for the best case scenario, even when there's no way in hell that's going to happen. For example, when you start with, "I am going to this bar in LA where movie stars have a habit of showing up" it can quickly become "I bet Penelope Cruz will be there" and ultimately "Penny and I are totally going to have rough sex in the bathroom." This problem seems to be rooted in the same psychology that the researchers at the Oregon Research Institute were working on this year regarding overeating. The gist of it was that people who overeat do so because their brains anticipate getting more pleasure from drinking a milkshake than they actually do when they drink it. Thus they have to drink more to chase the high they expected. It seems like the same thing is working against people like us. The researchers said that in order to curb the overeating habit, one should eat with people who eat normal amounts of food so that good eating habits might rub off through social osmosis. In that vein, my prescription for you is to hang out with people who feel satisfied in hopes that that satisfaction might rub off as well. And keep focusing that dissatisfaction into positive outlets because that's how great things get done. Imagine how dull this world would be if Napoleon had been satisfied with France, or Amelia Earhart had been satisfied with just flying around the Eastern seaboard, or Caligula been satisfied with monogamy.
Keep chasing that rainbow,

Jason Adair The Unlicensed Therapist

Thanks but No Thanks

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,

I have a friend whose encouragement of some of my less useful pursuits has been so kind, and so important, that I don't really know how to thank him. Any advice?

-Thankful


Dear Thankful,

The proper way to repay this specific flavor of thanks has taken many different forms over the years. In ancient Greece it was covered pretty thoroughly in the myths concerning Jason (no direct relation, though I was actually named after him) and Madea. To thank Jason for supporting her clog dancing Madea killed their children in front of him and killed Jason’s new wife, whom he managed to score while Madea was off on an Acropolis Cloggers retreat. This method of thanks became so popular that the Greeks had to invent the word infantacide, and eventually Alexander I decreed the ending of the play Euripides wrote about the event, Madea, to one where Madea goes “number two” in a basket of reeds, lights the whole mess on fire on Jason’s doorstep, and knock on the door so that he will try to stomp the fire out and end up with shit in his sandals. This caused people to stop going to the play and also to stop killing their children, and is where the phrase “number two” comes from. Through the ages, the construction of the vessel has changed, from reeds, to hemp, to burlap, back to reeds, to linen, back to hemp, until the modern era wherein we use a paper lunch sack, or a chineese food to-go container. Even two thousand years later, the point remains the same: Thanks for distracting me with stupid stuff causing me to miss the boat. In other words, you need to break off the friendshp and befriend someone who will encourage you to work on more useful pursuits.

Your real friend,

Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Are You Alive?

JATUT?

...I was just checking in to see if anyone was still alive.

I have been down in my "Apocalypse Bunker" (since October) trying to stay safe from roaming bands of former stock and mortgage owners.

Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I noticed that the streets were suprisingly absent of gangs and trash can fires. The porch was full of papers and the mail box was overflowing...It seems like the government has been spending A LOT of money to stimulate the economy. So far it looks like it has prevented Thunderdome from happening but not much else.

I noticed that you haven't been posting much lately.

Have you been forced to pick up work at In N Out Burger to help keep the food on the family's plates? (I know you haven't gone back to the old days of gay porn, I checked all the old websites, twice.) Or are you busy jet-setting with the aid of your share of the stimulus money?

No piece of the stimulus pie here. Just an eviction notice.
I should have run an ethernet line to my bunker, but I really thought it was all going to be over.

Glad to see people are still surviving.

Stimulusless in Seatle

Dear Stimulusness,
I am alive and well. I want to apologize to you and all my readers for not posting recently. I've been tied up doing sketch comedy and have barely had time to breathe much less make the world a better place by dishing out spurious advice on the internet. All that changes today. I promise to once again post regularly. At least until the economy finally collapses entirely and I am forced to barter my laptop for beans, or a can of non stick cooking spray, or to make someone stop stabbing me with a knife. In penance for being a crappy friend to turn to when in need, allow me to offer you this video. It made me feel good about the world for three minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

I'll write again soon, so keep sending those problems in.

Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Give Yourself a Hand

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Thearapist,

I am approaching one year without a relationship and nine months of celibacy (yes, we got back together a few regrettable times). To put it bluntly, I am horny as hell. I live in an extremely men-less environment, with all male friends spoken for (that's why they're FRIENDS) and promises of blind dates of course forgotten by the next, hungover, day. One night stands do not appeal to me and have recently found myself fantasizing about said friends (eew). Presumably men do fantasize about their female friends but am not so sure vice versa. Would acting upon my fantasies be the path to hell? Should I hang onto my monastic life until I find that Someone Special again?

-Licentious Guilt


Dear Licentious,
STOP! Do not attempt to get with your guy friends who are spoken for. Acting on these thoughts will ensure that you not only don't have a boyfriend, but no longer have any regular style friends either. I know this hook-up might seem like an alright idea at this moment in time, but that's only because you haven't had sex in forever. Contemplating moral decisions you know to be wrong is a normal natural side effect of pent up lust and sexual frustrations. Before you do something that you and everyone you know will regret, you need to masturbate furiously. While this won't solve your man problems, it will help you to more rationally assess your situation. I firmly believe, with all my unlicensed therapeutic heart, that the longer one goes without sex, the crazier one becomes. I know that if I go for more than a week, my behavior becomes erratic and completely unfocused. If it has a similar effect on you, it will be another strike against you in your search for someone special. As far as fantasizing about your friends while you rub one out, this is totally acceptable. I think most people would be flattered to know that someone out there is thinking about them in that way. This does not mean you should tell them about it, EVER. That's one of those secrets that has the potential to be exceedingly creepy. So, take one hand off your keyboard, clear the cobwebs out of your head, and get back in the game.

Your personal cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist.

Trigger Finger Justice

Dear Jason Adair The Unlicensed Therapist,

Everybody makes fun of me. To my face and behind my back. Mostly behind my back. I know that going on a killing spree would be wrong. But how else can there be justice?

-Itchy Trigger Finger

Dear Itchy,
First and foremost, I feel I should let you know that there is no such thing as justice. I know there's a statue of that lady with the scales and the sword and her robe barely covering her ample bosom. While she may be rad and all she's a symbol of an unattainable ideal. What you're looking for falls a little more along the lines of payback. In the heat of the moment, calling the IRS on someone, hiding bull testicles under the seats of some one's car and leaving them to rot, or crawling under some one's house an knocking out piers until the bathtub comes through the floor might seem like good or even great ideas. But unless you're a sociopath, there will come a time when you will regret these actions. If you want a payback that is sure to make you feel good for the rest of your natural life nothing works better than success. Instead of getting upset about the things that people are saying about you behind your back, focus foreword on creating a new you that will be the envy of your peers. I know this sounds all feel goody and lame, but I swear that everything I've ever done that has turned out great, I've done out of spite for people who wronged me. Take your feelings of homicidal rage and fuel something great with them.

Your brother in spite,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist