Trigger Finger Justice

Dear Jason Adair The Unlicensed Therapist,

Everybody makes fun of me. To my face and behind my back. Mostly behind my back. I know that going on a killing spree would be wrong. But how else can there be justice?

-Itchy Trigger Finger

Dear Itchy,
First and foremost, I feel I should let you know that there is no such thing as justice. I know there's a statue of that lady with the scales and the sword and her robe barely covering her ample bosom. While she may be rad and all she's a symbol of an unattainable ideal. What you're looking for falls a little more along the lines of payback. In the heat of the moment, calling the IRS on someone, hiding bull testicles under the seats of some one's car and leaving them to rot, or crawling under some one's house an knocking out piers until the bathtub comes through the floor might seem like good or even great ideas. But unless you're a sociopath, there will come a time when you will regret these actions. If you want a payback that is sure to make you feel good for the rest of your natural life nothing works better than success. Instead of getting upset about the things that people are saying about you behind your back, focus foreword on creating a new you that will be the envy of your peers. I know this sounds all feel goody and lame, but I swear that everything I've ever done that has turned out great, I've done out of spite for people who wronged me. Take your feelings of homicidal rage and fuel something great with them.

Your brother in spite,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Penis+ Motorcycle = Big Penis

Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a huge motorcycle in my living room. Am I trying to compensate for things that might not be huge in my life? Like in my pants? Like my penis for example?
-Motorcycle Dependant

Dear Motorcycle,

While I'm not technically a sex therapist, I do occasionally dabble in the "Dark Sex Arts." According to Anton Szandor LaVey, "A man who dabbles in motorsports is looking for a distraction from the ever present spectre of death." While this is true, I can't help but think that a man who keeps a motorcycle in his room is doing more than dabbling. Unfortunately, since Anton is no longer with us, I can't really ask him. My first instinct is to go with the compensation theory because it's so easy, but I'm not sure it's the best unlicensed opinion since even Freud said, "sometimes a big ass motorcycle is just a big ass motorcycle." The most important issue here though, is not whether you are trying to offset your remarkably small penis, but if it's working. Do girls really fall for it? If the answer is no, I would suggest putting the motorcycle into storage and purchasing a large (at least 10x) magnifying glass to attach at a 45 degree angle at the bottom of your belt buckle. I know employing an optical illusion to trick girls into thinking you've got the goods might seem like cheating, but it's not unless you plan to marry them. But let's face it, you undersized guys rarely tie the knot. If the answer is yes, please post information as to the make and model of the motorcycle so that we can all follow your lead.

Your Friend on the Internet,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist