Exciting and Wonderous Search Statistics

I was just going through the stats for this site, trying to figure out how to better serve the internet user at large, when I came across some startling figures. I'm going to reveal them to you, not in an effort to scare you away from this site, but more as an act of full disclosure, just so you know the kind of gang you're hanging with.
Like most internet sites, a good chunk of my traffic comes from people searching keywords on google. Below are the top five keyword searches that will get you to the unlicensed therapist site.

#1 Mooseknuckle/Moose Knuckle %60
#2 Spanking Advice/Help %4
#3 Unlicensed Therapist %4
#4 How to talk Wife into Breast Implants %3
#5 Can You Lick Slugs %2

It's kind of weird to think that the first post I wrote brings in the most traffic. Granted, most of that traffic stays for less than five seconds once they figure out this is not a mooseknuckle enthusiasts site. I guess the thing I need to figure out is how I can best change peoples lives for the better in five seconds or under. I'm going to do my best to crack that nut, but I'd really appreciate your help if you've got any good ideas.

Your Therapeutic Team Mate,
Jason Adair, the Unlicensed Therapist.

Drama Therapy

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
What's with all the dead air? It's been many days since your last post and I am growing impatient because there's nothing new on the internet.
Sincerely,
Bored

Dear Bored,
I'm sorry it's been taking me so long between posts. I've just been too busy to help people. Even though that's not what all the hurting people in the world who depend on my great advice need to hear at a time like this, (especially with all these wildfires burning to show God's displeasure with California over this whole gay marriage thing) it's the truth. Lest you think I'm wasting time working on being a good father and husband, let me assure you I have been spending every evening away from home with another woman. Her name is Kate, and the two of us have been working on a new sketch comedy show:

If you live in the greater Sacramento area and are looking for some not free (as in $12 a ticket) advice in the form of group drama therapy, drop by the Geery Theater this weekend. Laughs are guaranteed* and since that's the best over the counter medicine you can rest assured you'll feel better after attending. For more info check out here and here. And if you really think there's nothing new to see on the internet, you haven't seen this.

Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

(*I totally lied, which is not unethical since I don't have a license)

I'm a Winner!

Thank you to everyone who voted for their favorite Unlicensed Therapist. As you can see, I really tore "Dr." Phil and "Dr." Laura a couple of new ones.Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart, you have validated my existence on the internet and beyond.

Love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist