Who Doesn't Love Banana Slugs

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
A few years ago, one of my best friends got married. The ceremony was held at a little church on the north coast of CA. The reception was at a private campsite. There was a dinning hall, a dance hall and cabins scattered throughout the redwoods. It reeked of natural beauty. There were some people there who did not appreciate the natural beauty of some of the nature around us. Giant banana slugs could be found almost anywhere. My son was photographed licking a banana slug. I did not get the photo with my own camera. Now, when I ask my friend if he has the photo, he gets defensive. He thought the banana slug photos were a "comment" on the reception. I think some stuffy family members may have said something. The truth is the reception was one of the best I have ever been to! All of my friends had a great time. I say F@$& the family! I need to get a photo of my son licking a banan slug! Do you know where I can get such a picture? And, no, I am not a NAMBLA member. And, no, "licking a banan slug" is not slang for something obscene.

Please help,
Slugless in Seatle

Dear Slugless,

Your letter indicates a major misconception of the average internet user and a major shortcoming of the internet itself; If the photo is not of a naked woman, you will never find it. To prove this point, I entered your entire letter into a google image search and came up with the following images:


But when I typed "naked boobs" into the middle of the letter I got way different response:

Obviously this was not the kind of photo I was expecting, maybe I'll try erasing everything except "naked boobs" and see if that gets me anything.
I can't believe this. Someone broke the internet. I bet the ghost of Jerry Falwell got in the damn internet and killed all the porn. This is a dark day indeed...never mind, the wife put the safe search on. Oh thank God, we have been delivered! Either way, here's some kids licking banana slugs photos google gave me, hope these kids are yours cause I've got better things to be looking up now.





Your master googler,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Mooseknuckle Junction

Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
Ok, so I have this friend right. He's in a phase where his pants are moose-knuckle friendly if you know what I'm saying. How do I break it to him that this is simply unacceptable?

I'm not sure that being straight forward about it is the best path. He's the kind of guy who is never wrong. I'm leaning toward some type of public humiliation. What advice can you give me?

Sincerely,
Moose be Gone


Dear Moose be Gone,

The prominent public display of men's testicles goes all the way back to the Greeks, specifically Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, aka George Michael. Though his record label discouraged his wearing mooseknuckle inducing trousers for photo shoots, he could be found sporting the "fig satchel" look at various night clubs/public restrooms in the greater LA area. This trend, like chest waxing and karaoke, caught on with the gay community and has been transmitted from bi-curious college students to the hetero public at large.

At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I will agree that somebody does need to put a stop to these kids and their mooseknuckling. At the same time, I don't want to call for it's outright extinction, as there are certain situations where it is acceptable. (see below)


As far as your friend goes, is he getting any traction with the ladies with this tactic? You do say that he's always right. Could it just be a case of sour grapes because your knuckle is not getting the attention you think it deserves?

Either way, if you do want to change his behavior, I think humiliation is the ticket. The most effective way to do this would be to enlist the skills of a comely female to point at his crotch while doing her best impersonation of a moose call.

If you can't get a girl to do this for you, since you don't seem to have much luck with the ladies, you should try something a little more subtle. Simply hold up your hand, palm towards him, constantly blocking his mooseknuckle from your sight. He, and everyone else around, should catch on pretty quick. But for this to work you must be consistent, which means when you are around him, you must always have one hand free. Be warned though, if you take this route it could turn into a war of attrition, so before you start, ask yourself if you could keep it up for several years, as it could come down to that.

Your friend,

Jason Adair
the Unlicensed Therapist