Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice but I know his story and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I've tried to put her off but she won't stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date?
-Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated,
You have just entered into my third favorite relationship paradox; the degree of acquaintance to a person is proportional to the number of truly horrible things you know about that person. This is why it's so much easier to date a person you've just met rather than someone you've been friends with forever. The biggest problem for you, and the loser brother, is that most of the information you have about him probably comes from his sister complaining about how he used to pee on the neighbors dog, beat up homeless people, and steal medicine from the neighborhood retirement home. In all actuality though, he probably never really peed on the dog, but just said he did to sound cool. As for finding him someone to grind his professionally disgraceful loins against, I recommend fixing him up someone who has wronged you in the past and deserves to be stuck in a soul killing relationship they will never get out of because every time they try he will threaten to kill himself. If you are to nice for that kind of payback, you should try befriending some women who work for Health and Human Services and set them up with him. Not only are they trained to deal with people like that, but they're all kind of suckers for a fixer upper.
Your Friend/Holy Avenger,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Feeling the Hate
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I want to love people. But I often feel the hate coming on. As far as I can tell, the mandate to love/accept/understand people spans every religion, and most enlightened non-religious views. But does the idea of loving everyone cheapen the very idea of love?
-Tired of Loving
Dear Tired,
According to a song my son learned in kindergarten, and the hit book/video/lifegasm "The Secret" the more love you put out into the universe, the more will come back to you. You can argue with my son's beliefs, as he does go to an alternative school, but can you possibly ignore the bazillion copies of the book that people bought for their loser friends? Analytically speaking, loving everyone does not cheapen the idea of love because it is statistically impossible to love two people equally. (Unless they are identical twins. Or paternal twins dying from a rare non hereditary disease). This is possible, because love is not a constant but a variable whose value is dependant upon the relative lovability of the person in question. This allows you to assign different love values to everyone, thus preserving the "good love" for those whom you really love, and the "poor" to "negligible" love for those who keep going on and on about how much The Secret has changed their lives. The best thing about this assigning of values is that it is constantly in flux, which leaves room for your loved ones to jockey for position. (When I worked in an office, I kept a list on my window ranking all my coworkers from most favorite to least favorite. The people who had the most competitive dispositions would try to one up each other to get to the top of the list by giving me food. ) This turns your love into a commodity, whose value can only increase when demand is greater than supply, which will ultimately lead to most people realizing your love isn't worth the price and that they can live without it.
Don't be afraid to share the love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I want to love people. But I often feel the hate coming on. As far as I can tell, the mandate to love/accept/understand people spans every religion, and most enlightened non-religious views. But does the idea of loving everyone cheapen the very idea of love?
-Tired of Loving
Dear Tired,
According to a song my son learned in kindergarten, and the hit book/video/lifegasm "The Secret" the more love you put out into the universe, the more will come back to you. You can argue with my son's beliefs, as he does go to an alternative school, but can you possibly ignore the bazillion copies of the book that people bought for their loser friends? Analytically speaking, loving everyone does not cheapen the idea of love because it is statistically impossible to love two people equally. (Unless they are identical twins. Or paternal twins dying from a rare non hereditary disease). This is possible, because love is not a constant but a variable whose value is dependant upon the relative lovability of the person in question. This allows you to assign different love values to everyone, thus preserving the "good love" for those whom you really love, and the "poor" to "negligible" love for those who keep going on and on about how much The Secret has changed their lives. The best thing about this assigning of values is that it is constantly in flux, which leaves room for your loved ones to jockey for position. (When I worked in an office, I kept a list on my window ranking all my coworkers from most favorite to least favorite. The people who had the most competitive dispositions would try to one up each other to get to the top of the list by giving me food. ) This turns your love into a commodity, whose value can only increase when demand is greater than supply, which will ultimately lead to most people realizing your love isn't worth the price and that they can live without it.
Don't be afraid to share the love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Exciting and Wonderous Search Statistics
I was just going through the stats for this site, trying to figure out how to better serve the internet user at large, when I came across some startling figures. I'm going to reveal them to you, not in an effort to scare you away from this site, but more as an act of full disclosure, just so you know the kind of gang you're hanging with.
Like most internet sites, a good chunk of my traffic comes from people searching keywords on google. Below are the top five keyword searches that will get you to the unlicensed therapist site.
#1 Mooseknuckle/Moose Knuckle %60
#2 Spanking Advice/Help %4
#3 Unlicensed Therapist %4
#4 How to talk Wife into Breast Implants %3
#5 Can You Lick Slugs %2
It's kind of weird to think that the first post I wrote brings in the most traffic. Granted, most of that traffic stays for less than five seconds once they figure out this is not a mooseknuckle enthusiasts site. I guess the thing I need to figure out is how I can best change peoples lives for the better in five seconds or under. I'm going to do my best to crack that nut, but I'd really appreciate your help if you've got any good ideas.
Your Therapeutic Team Mate,
Jason Adair, the Unlicensed Therapist.
Like most internet sites, a good chunk of my traffic comes from people searching keywords on google. Below are the top five keyword searches that will get you to the unlicensed therapist site.
#1 Mooseknuckle/Moose Knuckle %60
#2 Spanking Advice/Help %4
#3 Unlicensed Therapist %4
#4 How to talk Wife into Breast Implants %3
#5 Can You Lick Slugs %2
It's kind of weird to think that the first post I wrote brings in the most traffic. Granted, most of that traffic stays for less than five seconds once they figure out this is not a mooseknuckle enthusiasts site. I guess the thing I need to figure out is how I can best change peoples lives for the better in five seconds or under. I'm going to do my best to crack that nut, but I'd really appreciate your help if you've got any good ideas.
Your Therapeutic Team Mate,
Jason Adair, the Unlicensed Therapist.
Friday, October 3, 2008
My Boyfriend Won't Share
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
Why is it when you ask the man in your life if you can look at porn with him…the collection you know he has, or the websites you’re aware he visits…he doggedly says, “um yah, sure.” If guys like porn so much, why aren’t they willing to share it with their female partners? We’re willing to hold our noses and plunge into that water because we care. Why aren’t they willing, eager even, to accept the solicitation?
Prohibited Paired Porn, WA
Dear Porn,
The history of your boyfriend and his pornography go waaaaaaaaay back. While you were selling lemonade he was in his closet with an old cashmere sweater in one hand and a National Geographic in the other. The solitary relationship he's built with countless pages of the underwear section of the Sears Catalogue is ancient compared to the sexual relationship he has with you. He's seen girlfriends like you come and go, but the naked girls from Hustler have stayed by him through thick and thin. It's this age old bond with his fantasy world that he doesn't want to risk by inviting you into it. Mostly because he dosn't want you to ruin it. He fears that you will not enjoy looking at the disgusting filth that is the gospel of his id, and that you will look upon his shame and be repulsed. You say you want to plunge into that water, but it's really something you should wade into slowly, becasue it's cold, and dirty, and there's unidentifiable stuff floating in it. If you really want to explore the use of porn in your sex life, don't start with his porn. Find stuff you like and bring it in the bedroom. Be warned though, he'll probably be more supportive if your new interest than all of your old ones combined.
Your sexual mentor,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Why is it when you ask the man in your life if you can look at porn with him…the collection you know he has, or the websites you’re aware he visits…he doggedly says, “um yah, sure.” If guys like porn so much, why aren’t they willing to share it with their female partners? We’re willing to hold our noses and plunge into that water because we care. Why aren’t they willing, eager even, to accept the solicitation?
Prohibited Paired Porn, WA
Dear Porn,
The history of your boyfriend and his pornography go waaaaaaaaay back. While you were selling lemonade he was in his closet with an old cashmere sweater in one hand and a National Geographic in the other. The solitary relationship he's built with countless pages of the underwear section of the Sears Catalogue is ancient compared to the sexual relationship he has with you. He's seen girlfriends like you come and go, but the naked girls from Hustler have stayed by him through thick and thin. It's this age old bond with his fantasy world that he doesn't want to risk by inviting you into it. Mostly because he dosn't want you to ruin it. He fears that you will not enjoy looking at the disgusting filth that is the gospel of his id, and that you will look upon his shame and be repulsed. You say you want to plunge into that water, but it's really something you should wade into slowly, becasue it's cold, and dirty, and there's unidentifiable stuff floating in it. If you really want to explore the use of porn in your sex life, don't start with his porn. Find stuff you like and bring it in the bedroom. Be warned though, he'll probably be more supportive if your new interest than all of your old ones combined.
Your sexual mentor,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Mad Communication Skilz
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
Yo so here it goes dam i need help so bad!!!!! im really depressed and sad because of this. U see im 13. I really like this girl ok. we were really cool until one day i had to screw it up by sending her a letter/poem. WOW. So she didn't like me i guess and she sent me an email saying she wants to be my friend instead which is a lie because we never had a conversation since then. So My close friend who is 12 and she is 13. he likes her too he told her and she told him that she liked him too. I was so sad dam. next day. we had an event in school ok and i was with my friend ok. Then she comes and starts flirting with him. dam. he was with my like the whole time. so sad. I later went outside and cried. some girls saw me and asked me wut was wrong i said nothing. the she left my friend and came to me her name is kate. so kate comes and says come wid me i said no ( dam it ) then she asks wuts wrong i said nothing ( dam it ). she later leaves unhappy too. dam but i felt better because she asked me which meant she cared wow it felt so good man. Ya so now kate and my friend are like together but not dating. So what do I do man please please help me !!! i really like her man. how can i win her bak or something. dam im in soo much pain right now...... help
Dear ......Help
I want to tell you to forget about this girl and to move on, but if there's one thing I remember about girls, and being thirteen, is that the emotions you're feeling right now are so much larger than your rational mind can really deal with. This is totally normal. As for what to do about it, my advice is to play it cool. I'm not saying you should ignore this girl, but take great pains to treat her as if you're not interested in dating her. The truth is, once a girl says she's not interested, and a guy makes a plan to "win her back" he develops a stink of desperation, and everyone can smell it. Once you get that stink on you it's really hard to get off. Unfortunately, the way Kate is acting, you might be stinky already, in which case you really should move on. Take that pain you're feeling and channel it into improving yourself so that you'll be more of a catch for the next girl your teenage hormones target. First and foremost, work on your written communication skills. If that letter/poem you sent to Kate was as incoherent as the letter you sent to me, she might not have even understood what you wanted. Also, DO NOT WRITE GIRLS POEMS. There aren't many guys that can actually pull that off and not seem either creepy or shallow. Instead, read some poets who have good stuff to say about love and relationships (Emily Dickenson, E. E. Cummings, Charles Bukowski) and send their poems instead of your own, kind of like a poetry mix tape. That way you get the double impact of a good poem and being seen as well read. Good luck with the ladies, and before you send another letter to anyone, read it to yourself out loud first.
Your Young Love Cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Yo so here it goes dam i need help so bad!!!!! im really depressed and sad because of this. U see im 13. I really like this girl ok. we were really cool until one day i had to screw it up by sending her a letter/poem. WOW. So she didn't like me i guess and she sent me an email saying she wants to be my friend instead which is a lie because we never had a conversation since then. So My close friend who is 12 and she is 13. he likes her too he told her and she told him that she liked him too. I was so sad dam. next day. we had an event in school ok and i was with my friend ok. Then she comes and starts flirting with him. dam. he was with my like the whole time. so sad. I later went outside and cried. some girls saw me and asked me wut was wrong i said nothing. the she left my friend and came to me her name is kate. so kate comes and says come wid me i said no ( dam it ) then she asks wuts wrong i said nothing ( dam it ). she later leaves unhappy too. dam but i felt better because she asked me which meant she cared wow it felt so good man. Ya so now kate and my friend are like together but not dating. So what do I do man please please help me !!! i really like her man. how can i win her bak or something. dam im in soo much pain right now...... help
Dear ......Help
I want to tell you to forget about this girl and to move on, but if there's one thing I remember about girls, and being thirteen, is that the emotions you're feeling right now are so much larger than your rational mind can really deal with. This is totally normal. As for what to do about it, my advice is to play it cool. I'm not saying you should ignore this girl, but take great pains to treat her as if you're not interested in dating her. The truth is, once a girl says she's not interested, and a guy makes a plan to "win her back" he develops a stink of desperation, and everyone can smell it. Once you get that stink on you it's really hard to get off. Unfortunately, the way Kate is acting, you might be stinky already, in which case you really should move on. Take that pain you're feeling and channel it into improving yourself so that you'll be more of a catch for the next girl your teenage hormones target. First and foremost, work on your written communication skills. If that letter/poem you sent to Kate was as incoherent as the letter you sent to me, she might not have even understood what you wanted. Also, DO NOT WRITE GIRLS POEMS. There aren't many guys that can actually pull that off and not seem either creepy or shallow. Instead, read some poets who have good stuff to say about love and relationships (Emily Dickenson, E. E. Cummings, Charles Bukowski) and send their poems instead of your own, kind of like a poetry mix tape. That way you get the double impact of a good poem and being seen as well read. Good luck with the ladies, and before you send another letter to anyone, read it to yourself out loud first.
Your Young Love Cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Technically Speaking
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a problem. I have a very important video blog I need to start posting, but the camera folks who agreed to help me several months ago have dropped the ball faster than the 49ers. Can you help me?
Everett Nolan
Dear Everett,
The first piece of advice I'm going to give you is gong to be a bitter pill for you to swallow; for the love of (insert name of deity you pray to here), stop using sports analogies. You're better than that Everett. As for your video problems I totally understand and sympathize with you. Here's the deal, you don't need "camera folks" to do an important video blog, or vlog as the kids call em'. The worst thing you can do, productively speaking, is to get technical people involved. The more high tech your equipment, the more time it's going to take to shoot and edit your important footage. I've found that when I need to get something done effectively and efficiently, the best tool for the job is my digital camera. It takes decent mpg movies which I can quickly download and edit on my computer. This video, is one I shot on my lunch break with my little Sony CyberShot. Yes, the quality is not HDTV, but it's better than most vlogs that are shot with web cams. And compared to the project I did before it with camera folks, it took no time at all. (the video won a vegan pot pie in a sketch video competition.) People that watch video on the internet are used to low tech presentation. What they want is interesting content. A perfect example is the greatest vlog I've ever seen, authored by a thirteen year old pop culture critic/freakscene who calls himself sexman. Keep it simple and wow the internet with your wonderful important video blog, unless you're making another lame ass sports vlog. In that case disregard the above.
I have a problem. I have a very important video blog I need to start posting, but the camera folks who agreed to help me several months ago have dropped the ball faster than the 49ers. Can you help me?
Everett Nolan
Dear Everett,
The first piece of advice I'm going to give you is gong to be a bitter pill for you to swallow; for the love of (insert name of deity you pray to here), stop using sports analogies. You're better than that Everett. As for your video problems I totally understand and sympathize with you. Here's the deal, you don't need "camera folks" to do an important video blog, or vlog as the kids call em'. The worst thing you can do, productively speaking, is to get technical people involved. The more high tech your equipment, the more time it's going to take to shoot and edit your important footage. I've found that when I need to get something done effectively and efficiently, the best tool for the job is my digital camera. It takes decent mpg movies which I can quickly download and edit on my computer. This video, is one I shot on my lunch break with my little Sony CyberShot. Yes, the quality is not HDTV, but it's better than most vlogs that are shot with web cams. And compared to the project I did before it with camera folks, it took no time at all. (the video won a vegan pot pie in a sketch video competition.) People that watch video on the internet are used to low tech presentation. What they want is interesting content. A perfect example is the greatest vlog I've ever seen, authored by a thirteen year old pop culture critic/freakscene who calls himself sexman. Keep it simple and wow the internet with your wonderful important video blog, unless you're making another lame ass sports vlog. In that case disregard the above.
Monday, September 8, 2008
What's Really Bothering You?
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a serious problem. I still love my husband but I do not like him. We have evolved in different directions. I appreciate that he is a good man and a good father to our children. He is responsible and reliable. All the things some other women would kill for. But the way he eats his cereal sickens me and the way his dental floss clicks drives me insane. Do you think this feeling of disgust will pass?
- Looking my husband down in the mouth
Dear Looking,
I've actually received numerous letters concerning problems like yours recently. The whole "love but don't like" dilemma seems to be all the rage in 2008. What makes this trend interesting is that the problems people are having are never things that would be deal breakers, much less a cause to seek guidance from an unlicensed therapist. Growing too far apart is a natural process for at least 50% of married couples, while complaining about ridiculous things seems to affect more like 98% of married couples. Is your relationship really so good that the worst problem some people face is, "I can't stand the sound of my wife's voice"? Come on people! If your spouse had joined the Klan, or killed a neighbor and buried them under the potting shed, or loved the movie Sideways, you might have a argument worth making. As for the disgust, I'm wondering if it's not a little self loathing for feeling like you're a loser for falling out of like with this good man. The horrible truth is you don't need a good reason to fall out of like with someone. Unfortunately, without a big problem to work out, (i.e. Loving the Movie Sideways) it does make it harder to fix. So, I don't know if you'll ever get over the disgust. One thing that will definately help is to leave the room when your husband eats his cereal, and don't be in the bathroom when he flosses.
Sideways was a stupid movie,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a serious problem. I still love my husband but I do not like him. We have evolved in different directions. I appreciate that he is a good man and a good father to our children. He is responsible and reliable. All the things some other women would kill for. But the way he eats his cereal sickens me and the way his dental floss clicks drives me insane. Do you think this feeling of disgust will pass?
- Looking my husband down in the mouth
Dear Looking,
I've actually received numerous letters concerning problems like yours recently. The whole "love but don't like" dilemma seems to be all the rage in 2008. What makes this trend interesting is that the problems people are having are never things that would be deal breakers, much less a cause to seek guidance from an unlicensed therapist. Growing too far apart is a natural process for at least 50% of married couples, while complaining about ridiculous things seems to affect more like 98% of married couples. Is your relationship really so good that the worst problem some people face is, "I can't stand the sound of my wife's voice"? Come on people! If your spouse had joined the Klan, or killed a neighbor and buried them under the potting shed, or loved the movie Sideways, you might have a argument worth making. As for the disgust, I'm wondering if it's not a little self loathing for feeling like you're a loser for falling out of like with this good man. The horrible truth is you don't need a good reason to fall out of like with someone. Unfortunately, without a big problem to work out, (i.e. Loving the Movie Sideways) it does make it harder to fix. So, I don't know if you'll ever get over the disgust. One thing that will definately help is to leave the room when your husband eats his cereal, and don't be in the bathroom when he flosses.
Sideways was a stupid movie,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
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