Drama Therapy

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
What's with all the dead air? It's been many days since your last post and I am growing impatient because there's nothing new on the internet.
Sincerely,
Bored

Dear Bored,
I'm sorry it's been taking me so long between posts. I've just been too busy to help people. Even though that's not what all the hurting people in the world who depend on my great advice need to hear at a time like this, (especially with all these wildfires burning to show God's displeasure with California over this whole gay marriage thing) it's the truth. Lest you think I'm wasting time working on being a good father and husband, let me assure you I have been spending every evening away from home with another woman. Her name is Kate, and the two of us have been working on a new sketch comedy show:

If you live in the greater Sacramento area and are looking for some not free (as in $12 a ticket) advice in the form of group drama therapy, drop by the Geery Theater this weekend. Laughs are guaranteed* and since that's the best over the counter medicine you can rest assured you'll feel better after attending. For more info check out here and here. And if you really think there's nothing new to see on the internet, you haven't seen this.

Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

(*I totally lied, which is not unethical since I don't have a license)

I'm a Winner!

Thank you to everyone who voted for their favorite Unlicensed Therapist. As you can see, I really tore "Dr." Phil and "Dr." Laura a couple of new ones.Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart, you have validated my existence on the internet and beyond.

Love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Damn These Ears!

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
What can one do when the sound of a loved one's voice is grating and unpleasant? The obvious answer is if you love someone, you aren't really concerned with the timbre of their voice. I really love this person, but the sound of their voice is like Freddy Krueger's glove on a chalk board. Am I being petty? Help!

--unnerved by tonality

Dear Unnerved,
Relationships are tough enough, but when the timbre of a loved one's voice saying "I love you" is near unbearable, it just might be time to end the relationship. I don't usually advocate for break-ups, but this time I'll make an exception, because I have a hard time believing that anyone who would be using the analogy, "like Freddy Krueger's glove on a chalk board" deserves to have love in their life. Come on Unnerved, Nightmare on Elm Street came out twenty four years ago. I'm sure you could have come up with something more current and imaginative if you had just taken the time. It's that lack of caring that makes you an unresponsive and dull lover as well. That's conjecture of course, but since I have only five sentences and a fragment to draw my conclusions from it doesn't leave me with any other possibilities. Okay, maybe there's another, but it has to do with your own personal perceptions of what is grating and unpleasant. You currently see Freddy Krueger scraping his claw thingie on a chalk board as a negative. I think you can change that event into a positive with the following image:
MEOW!!!!! How's that voice sounding with Sexy Freddy on the brain? Forget about being petty, it's time to party. And remember, it's not really cheating if you're thinking of some horror beauty while you're making time with your sweetie, unless she finds out.

Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

After reading your column for a few weeks now, I am detecting a bit of a pattern. The "selected" entries all seem a little far-fetched and silly. Pretty out there. I have a theory that, in fact, YOU, Mr. Unlicensed Therapist Man, are making up your own problems so that you can then wax poetic on your contrived material. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE reading this stuff and I really do not care whether it is fact or fiction, I just want to put it out there and see if maybe you take the bait and I get a response.

-Doubting Thomasina

Dear Doubting,

Consider the bait taken. While I can not speak as to the factual or fictional nature of the letters I receive, I can assure you that I do not write them. Unlike many of my contemporaries (Prudence, Dan Savage, those two women who kind of pretend to be Ann Landers) I find the idea of writing letters to my own column not only distasteful but way too much work. I do however edit the letters I get for clarity. To give an idea as to what this entails, I will reprint the letter above in it's original form with notations concerning my edits.

After reading your column for a few weeks now, I am detecting a bit of a pattern. The "selected" entries all seem a little far-fetched and silly, not unlike a rhino in a wedding dress whose dance card has been retrieved from the bottom of the punch bowl at the end of the night to reveal the sad fact that it was as empty and barren as the romantic prospects that lie ahead for our dear horny friend. As a rule I always chop out the lengthy metaphorical ramblings. This one almost made it through because she used the phrase "dance card" but "a rhino in a wedding dress" was not unlike something written by a second grader.

I have a theory that, in fact, YOU, Mr. Unlicensed Therapist Man, are making up your own problems so that you can then wax poetic on your contrived material. Don't get me wrong, I love... I decided to put "love" in caps just to add a little umph.

...reading your brilliant musings on our collective mortal coil, which add a measure of validity, vitality, and soulfulness to the wasteland that is today's internet landscape. Thought this was laying it on a bit thick and might lead people to think that I author my own letters, so I simplified it to "reading this stuff"

and I really do not care whether it is fact or fiction, I just want to put it out there and see if maybe you take the bait and I get a response. If you'd rather not reply on this public blog, cruise on over to my private site (link disabled due to mediocre boudoir photos) and see if there's not something there that might get a response out of you! I don't know what it is about handsome intelligent guys like you that make me want to turn my web cam on and put on a little show just for you. And if you're down to meet up and... The rest of the letter described in disturbing detail just what she wanted to do with me if she ever got lucky enough to find me tied up with electrical tape inside an abandoned refridgerator. Since my wife reads this occasionally, I thought it would be best to just leave that part off.

I hope this is proof enough for you. And seriously, put a little more effort into your "sexy" photos and you're sure to find the man of your dreams. For starters, don't use the camera flash, and don't hold the camera while you snap the picture, set it on your bureau and use the auto timer function. Take more soon, send them too me, and I will provide more feedback, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
Always here to help,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Wisdom for the Weekend #3

Get Smarter.

There's nothing in the world that will make you more appealing to prospective employers, members of the opposite sex, and advice columnists at large that gettin' y'alls learn on. I know what you're thinking, you don't have time to go back to school, you're already working two jobs to support your family, or you're spending every free moment helping disadvantaged youths in your community, or you just cant stop until you give all the hookers on Grand Theft Auto IV a proper beat down. All valid points. But Steve Jobs is looking to help you, and who can say no to Mac Steveie?
Itunes has a new section on their site called itunes University and it's chock full of free lecture podcasts from all the heavy hitters in the American higher education system. I just listened to a great lecture from MIT entitled Remixing Shakespeare and learned all about the long and storied history of augmenting Shakespeare's works, as well as the short and storied contemporary history of people bending the Bard's texts to their will. Now if I were an MIT student, that lecture would have cost me a wad of cash. Since I got it free online I can divert that cash into plying a woman with alcohol whilst spouting some seriously brainy shit and BANG, guess who's getting busy tonight? Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist, that's who! And you can to my friends. So go download a lecture this afternoon and give it a listen while you're doing the dishes.
Have a great weekend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Ted Danson and Alec Baldwin

Dear Jason Adair The Unlicensed Therapist,

I think we should enforce statements made in public. Alec Baldwin and Barbara Streisand said they would leave the country if George Bush was elected again. Yet here they are. 400 years ago, Bush declared "Mission Accomplished," yet there we are. Twenty years ago, Ted Danson said the earth would die in six years if we didn't clean up the oceans. Yet here we are. Either we should have legal ramifications for public statements made by dumb-ass celebrities and politicians or they should all shut their damn mouths.
-Stop Hellish Harangues

Dear stop,
First off, let me say it's rare that I get letters from a real live octogenarian, and that I really appreciate you took the time to figure out how the internet works so that you could send me your crazy ass ramblings. I gotta ask you though, is the world really so great that the only thing you can think of to complain about to an unlicensed therapist is MF-ing Ted Danson? Really? As if they guy doesn't have it bad enough with the hair plugs, TV specials on the Oxygen network, and stuff like this in his recent past:So what do you say we give old Ted a rest and take a closer look at your own harangues. After closely examining your letter I can only conclude that for someone who's part of "the Greatest Generation" you are a huge puss. Not only that, you're also an enemy of freedom my friend. Your comments make it seem like you want to strike down freedom of speech and freedom of the press with your palsied, little, liver spot covered, mitts. And believe me, I'd love to tell every damn fool who goes around spouting nonsense that he didn't have the right. But he does. That's just one of the million things about this country that makes it such a kick ass place to live. So kick ass in fact that even the people who claim to hate everything about it would never really dream of leaving, because regardless of all the stupid laws, and annoying celebrities, and starving children, and the fact that you can't get a decent Monte Cristo sandwich anymore, The United States of America is the inventor and owner/operator of the straight up wildest SPRING BREAK parties ever!!!!!!
Sincerely,
-Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist.

Wisdom for the Weekend #2

Throw a great party.

"There's nothing more better for mine own mental health that the throwing of a great party."
-Sigmund Freud

Freud loved nothing more than a get together with his friends. Unfortunately, a lot of people see hosting a party as a huge chore, with all the cleaning, and making invites, and having to be friendly. And if you want to have a dinner party, that takes some serious preparation that the average human is not capable, or willing, to to do. Well, what if I told you there was a way to have a great dinner party without: cleaning your house, cooking a meal, cleaning your house afterward, or dealing with that awkward thing that happens when your friends cant take the hint that it's time to go home. Would you believe me?

Allow me to introduce you to the No Host, Fancy Dress, Ikea, Dinner Party.


All you have to do is tell your friends to dress up, meet you at Ikea for dinner, sneak in some games, and the party will take care of its self!

Your friends will find the idea so intriguing that they won't even mind paying for their own dinner!


After dinner, find a cozy room or two and let the games begin!


So get out there and throw a memorable party for your friends.

For further illustration on just how amazing a No Host Fancy Dress IKEA Dinner Party can be, please consult party attendee and "national treasure" Rob Cockerham