Mad Communication Skilz

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,

Yo so here it goes dam i need help so bad!!!!! im really depressed and sad because of this. U see im 13. I really like this girl ok. we were really cool until one day i had to screw it up by sending her a letter/poem. WOW. So she didn't like me i guess and she sent me an email saying she wants to be my friend instead which is a lie because we never had a conversation since then. So My close friend who is 12 and she is 13. he likes her too he told her and she told him that she liked him too. I was so sad dam. next day. we had an event in school ok and i was with my friend ok. Then she comes and starts flirting with him. dam. he was with my like the whole time. so sad. I later went outside and cried. some girls saw me and asked me wut was wrong i said nothing. the she left my friend and came to me her name is kate. so kate comes and says come wid me i said no ( dam it ) then she asks wuts wrong i said nothing ( dam it ). she later leaves unhappy too. dam but i felt better because she asked me which meant she cared wow it felt so good man. Ya so now kate and my friend are like together but not dating. So what do I do man please please help me !!! i really like her man. how can i win her bak or something. dam im in soo much pain right now...... help

Dear ......Help
I want to tell you to forget about this girl and to move on, but if there's one thing I remember about girls, and being thirteen, is that the emotions you're feeling right now are so much larger than your rational mind can really deal with. This is totally normal. As for what to do about it, my advice is to play it cool. I'm not saying you should ignore this girl, but take great pains to treat her as if you're not interested in dating her. The truth is, once a girl says she's not interested, and a guy makes a plan to "win her back" he develops a stink of desperation, and everyone can smell it. Once you get that stink on you it's really hard to get off. Unfortunately, the way Kate is acting, you might be stinky already, in which case you really should move on. Take that pain you're feeling and channel it into improving yourself so that you'll be more of a catch for the next girl your teenage hormones target. First and foremost, work on your written communication skills. If that letter/poem you sent to Kate was as incoherent as the letter you sent to me, she might not have even understood what you wanted. Also, DO NOT WRITE GIRLS POEMS. There aren't many guys that can actually pull that off and not seem either creepy or shallow. Instead, read some poets who have good stuff to say about love and relationships (Emily Dickenson, E. E. Cummings, Charles Bukowski) and send their poems instead of your own, kind of like a poetry mix tape. That way you get the double impact of a good poem and being seen as well read. Good luck with the ladies, and before you send another letter to anyone, read it to yourself out loud first.

Your Young Love Cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Technically Speaking

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

I have a problem. I have a very important video blog I need to start posting, but the camera folks who agreed to help me several months ago have dropped the ball faster than the 49ers. Can you help me?

Everett Nolan


Dear Everett,
The first piece of advice I'm going to give you is gong to be a bitter pill for you to swallow; for the love of (insert name of deity you pray to here), stop using sports analogies. You're better than that Everett. As for your video problems I totally understand and sympathize with you. Here's the deal, you don't need "camera folks" to do an important video blog, or vlog as the kids call em'. The worst thing you can do, productively speaking, is to get technical people involved. The more high tech your equipment, the more time it's going to take to shoot and edit your important footage. I've found that when I need to get something done effectively and efficiently, the best tool for the job is my digital camera. It takes decent mpg movies which I can quickly download and edit on my computer. This video, is one I shot on my lunch break with my little Sony CyberShot. Yes, the quality is not HDTV, but it's better than most vlogs that are shot with web cams. And compared to the project I did before it with camera folks, it took no time at all. (the video won a vegan pot pie in a sketch video competition.) People that watch video on the internet are used to low tech presentation. What they want is interesting content. A perfect example is the greatest vlog I've ever seen, authored by a thirteen year old pop culture critic/freakscene who calls himself sexman. Keep it simple and wow the internet with your wonderful important video blog, unless you're making another lame ass sports vlog. In that case disregard the above.

What's Really Bothering You?

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a serious problem. I still love my husband but I do not like him. We have evolved in different directions. I appreciate that he is a good man and a good father to our children. He is responsible and reliable. All the things some other women would kill for. But the way he eats his cereal sickens me and the way his dental floss clicks drives me insane. Do you think this feeling of disgust will pass?

- Looking my husband down in the mouth

Dear Looking,
I've actually received numerous letters concerning problems like yours recently. The whole "love but don't like" dilemma seems to be all the rage in 2008. What makes this trend interesting is that the problems people are having are never things that would be deal breakers, much less a cause to seek guidance from an unlicensed therapist. Growing too far apart is a natural process for at least 50% of married couples, while complaining about ridiculous things seems to affect more like 98% of married couples. Is your relationship really so good that the worst problem some people face is, "I can't stand the sound of my wife's voice"? Come on people! If your spouse had joined the Klan, or killed a neighbor and buried them under the potting shed, or loved the movie Sideways, you might have a argument worth making. As for the disgust, I'm wondering if it's not a little self loathing for feeling like you're a loser for falling out of like with this good man. The horrible truth is you don't need a good reason to fall out of like with someone. Unfortunately, without a big problem to work out, (i.e. Loving the Movie Sideways) it does make it harder to fix. So, I don't know if you'll ever get over the disgust. One thing that will definately help is to leave the room when your husband eats his cereal, and don't be in the bathroom when he flosses.

Sideways was a stupid movie,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Entrophy VS Order VS Morning Wood

Dear Jason-

I am having a problem with the universe. It doesn't seem to make sense. I am not whining that life is not fair or easy. Instead, I just don't see any logical grouping of circumstances that point towards order, reason or sense. Point in case (this is what is threatening to make me put my faith in entropy vs order)...How in the universe does it make sense to give me morning wood and morning breath at the same time? Can you provide me with proof that the universal plan is a good one, or should I just know that sooner or later everything will go to shit?

-Sensless in Seatle

Dear Senseless,
My unlicensed opinion on the universe and the meaning of life and all related matters is that I have know idea how or why anything works the way it does. This not only includes why we're here, but also includes math, electricity, electronics, how to get stains out of things and why I feel the need to make others uncomfortable through the abuse of "personal space". Here's a link to a website that asks and answers some great questions about "pre-meaning of life" assumptions. I know this answer seems like I'm passing the buck on helping people out who are having the what's-it-all-about dilemma, and I am, but to make up for it I will solve the morning wood/morning breath conundrum. This phenomena has it's root, if you will, in evolutionary biology. Millions of years ago, shortly after the Eden Epoch there was a mass extinction. Over three quarters of the worlds population (approximately 78 people) died of hunger and hunger related illnesses, namely starving. This happened because morning wood was accompanied not by the foul reek of filthy mouth, but by an oral musk not unlike Drakkar Noir. So instead of getting up and going to work, people just hung around having sex all morning, and then napped until lunch, when they would wake up again and have sex again then nap till dinner and have yet more sex. It was for this reason that the Drakkar Sneetches were kicked out of the gene pool and the hard working yuck mouth's took over the planet and spawned us utterly offensive, and hard working, folk.

Your stinky rock hard friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Those Kids and Their Pornography

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I worry about my kid getting into pornography.

-Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned,
The wording of your email could be taken two different ways, so I will attempt to answer both of them.

Possibility #1
You're worried about your kid viewing pornography.
I really wouldn't worry about your kid seeing pornography unless you're one of the 99% of American families who have access to the internet. If your family does have access to the internet/worlds largest collection of porn, then they have probably already seen some weird and crazy stuff that has completely distorted their perception of healthy sexual relationships. This kind of influence can be really dangerous and destructive since children aren't equipped to process this information as anything but sexual education. Check out theporntalk.com for some great information on how to talk to kids of all ages about the dangers of viewing pornography.

Possibility #2
you're worried about your kid becoming a porn actor.
(Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is not a laughing matter and that it destroys peoples lives. And yes, I am a bad person and will probably go to hell for making jokes about it.)
If the kid you're referring to is under 18, the chances of him or her getting a job in the porn industry are very slight. Even less so if their weird uncle lives out of state. Pornography, internet or otherwise, it totally illegal for kids to get into and you need to let your kid know this, because that's the kind of thing that could go on their permanent record. Once they turn 18 and enter the "barely legal" demographic, it's a whole different ball game. As a responsible parent it's your job to steer them away from this kind of career. This may be difficult since the media makes it all seem so glamorous, but no one said this parenting stuff would be easy. Let your barely legal teen know that there are many great and rewarding jobs that don't require any special skills or involve taking their clothes off for money, like: line cook at a fast food restaurant, cashier at a fast food restaurant, or person who power washes the parking lot at a fast food restaurant. If they've still got their little hearts set on a career in adult entertainment, try and steer them into some kind of niche porn that doesn't involve them doing anything sex related, like the German "porn" where girls just get expensive cars stuck in the mud. Or the Japanese "porn" where girls in high heels crush model trains.

Your online friend in a not nasty way,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Not Your Typical Fire Fighter

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,

I love all people earnestly. I reach out to my fellow humans and believe that we are all one--that we share a common spirit. I care about people. That said, I hate George W. Bush with a violent, virulent hatred. If that man was on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put out the flames. I want to see him tortured by Jihadists in a Muslim prison. I don't believe this is a contradiction, because I don't consider him to be human. But my other (licensed) therapist says this might be a problem. What does the unlicensed therapy community think?
-Mad as Heck

Dear Mad
The degree to which that kind of anger is acceptable depends on what you do with it. If you use that acid in your veins to get politically motivated and create change, that's fine. But if you're one of those people whose anger inspires you to make horribly obvious and derivative "agitprop" graphics for your myspace, or bore your friends and coworkers with your, oft repeated never realized, plans to move to Canada, or to seduce co-eds from the nearest college Young Republicans group for the express purpose of giving them the raging case of herpes you got at burning man last year, then you might be taking your hate for the president a little too far. Just remember; hate invalidates. And once you have invalidated your own beliefs and opinions, you will have just about as much credibility as the president now enjoys. One more thing for you to think about; everyone looks the same on fire. You could mistakenly watch and cheer, with a full bladder, as your mother burns because you assumed she was the president aflame. I think your mother deserves better than that, don't you?
Your friend on the internet,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

In the future, my wife's gonna be HOT!

Your most recent therapy session reminded me of one of the modern axioms: Boob Jobs are hot. And by now, seem to be totally safe. They might even be affordable in the near future. How can I a)convince my wife to get one; and b)fund the procedure without breaking the bank?

-Better living through (cheap) surgery

Dear Better,
The most surefire way to talk your wife into unnecessary surgery, and the risks that accompany it, is to carefully and systematically destroy her self esteem, with a focus on the chest area. First begin to chisel away at her positive body image by pretending to be spooked every time you see her with her shirt off. As time goes on, begin to exaggerate the level of spookedness climaxing in a jump accompanied by a little scream. Next, make a habit of letting out a sorrow-filled heavy exhale whenever you touch her breasts. It should convey a sense of loss and debilitating sadness stopping just short of tears. Once this has begun to work it's magic, let yourself get caught starring at her chest. When she sees you, glance at her eyes and look away saying something like, "Wow. We are really getting old, aren't we?" Feel free to kick it up a notch by talking about how hot girls with fake boobs are. Once she begins to wear sweaters in August, you've got her right where you want her. Start clipping out adds for breast augmentation from your local newspaper and discretely leave them tucked into her personal possessions: books, car sun visor, bra. When she comes to you broken and ruined, you step in and save the day, and probably her life as well, by offering her the best rack a credit card can buy.

Your Friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist