Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Thearapist,
I am approaching one year without a relationship and nine months of celibacy (yes, we got back together a few regrettable times). To put it bluntly, I am horny as hell. I live in an extremely men-less environment, with all male friends spoken for (that's why they're FRIENDS) and promises of blind dates of course forgotten by the next, hungover, day. One night stands do not appeal to me and have recently found myself fantasizing about said friends (eew). Presumably men do fantasize about their female friends but am not so sure vice versa. Would acting upon my fantasies be the path to hell? Should I hang onto my monastic life until I find that Someone Special again?
-Licentious Guilt
Dear Licentious,
STOP! Do not attempt to get with your guy friends who are spoken for. Acting on these thoughts will ensure that you not only don't have a boyfriend, but no longer have any regular style friends either. I know this hook-up might seem like an alright idea at this moment in time, but that's only because you haven't had sex in forever. Contemplating moral decisions you know to be wrong is a normal natural side effect of pent up lust and sexual frustrations. Before you do something that you and everyone you know will regret, you need to masturbate furiously. While this won't solve your man problems, it will help you to more rationally assess your situation. I firmly believe, with all my unlicensed therapeutic heart, that the longer one goes without sex, the crazier one becomes. I know that if I go for more than a week, my behavior becomes erratic and completely unfocused. If it has a similar effect on you, it will be another strike against you in your search for someone special. As far as fantasizing about your friends while you rub one out, this is totally acceptable. I think most people would be flattered to know that someone out there is thinking about them in that way. This does not mean you should tell them about it, EVER. That's one of those secrets that has the potential to be exceedingly creepy. So, take one hand off your keyboard, clear the cobwebs out of your head, and get back in the game.
Your personal cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Trigger Finger Justice
Dear Jason Adair The Unlicensed Therapist,
Everybody makes fun of me. To my face and behind my back. Mostly behind my back. I know that going on a killing spree would be wrong. But how else can there be justice?
-Itchy Trigger Finger
Dear Itchy,
First and foremost, I feel I should let you know that there is no such thing as justice. I know there's a statue of that lady with the scales and the sword and her robe barely covering her ample bosom. While she may be rad and all she's a symbol of an unattainable ideal. What you're looking for falls a little more along the lines of payback. In the heat of the moment, calling the IRS on someone, hiding bull testicles under the seats of some one's car and leaving them to rot, or crawling under some one's house an knocking out piers until the bathtub comes through the floor might seem like good or even great ideas. But unless you're a sociopath, there will come a time when you will regret these actions. If you want a payback that is sure to make you feel good for the rest of your natural life nothing works better than success. Instead of getting upset about the things that people are saying about you behind your back, focus foreword on creating a new you that will be the envy of your peers. I know this sounds all feel goody and lame, but I swear that everything I've ever done that has turned out great, I've done out of spite for people who wronged me. Take your feelings of homicidal rage and fuel something great with them.
Your brother in spite,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Everybody makes fun of me. To my face and behind my back. Mostly behind my back. I know that going on a killing spree would be wrong. But how else can there be justice?
-Itchy Trigger Finger
Dear Itchy,
First and foremost, I feel I should let you know that there is no such thing as justice. I know there's a statue of that lady with the scales and the sword and her robe barely covering her ample bosom. While she may be rad and all she's a symbol of an unattainable ideal. What you're looking for falls a little more along the lines of payback. In the heat of the moment, calling the IRS on someone, hiding bull testicles under the seats of some one's car and leaving them to rot, or crawling under some one's house an knocking out piers until the bathtub comes through the floor might seem like good or even great ideas. But unless you're a sociopath, there will come a time when you will regret these actions. If you want a payback that is sure to make you feel good for the rest of your natural life nothing works better than success. Instead of getting upset about the things that people are saying about you behind your back, focus foreword on creating a new you that will be the envy of your peers. I know this sounds all feel goody and lame, but I swear that everything I've ever done that has turned out great, I've done out of spite for people who wronged me. Take your feelings of homicidal rage and fuel something great with them.
Your brother in spite,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Friday, December 19, 2008
A Little Cockeyed
Here's another column that belongs under the shameless self promotion heading. My GOOD FRIEND Rob Cockerham asked me to write some junk for his totally great website cockeyed.com. If you're not familiar with cockeyed, you should definitely check it out as it is one of the greatest sights and sites on the internet. As for my therapeutic responsibilities, I will get back to them soon, as I am currently being treated for a debilitating facebook scrabble addiction, which is taking up a lot of my free time. In lieu of actual advice, here are some great videos that should help you feel better: EPIC ROCK VIDEO, EPIC POE INTERPRETATION VIDEO, and EPIC BIKE VIDEO.
Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Greatest Television Show Ever and the Conundrum Which Constantly Plagues it's Viewers
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have friends who still haven't seen the final episode of the recent season of LOST. I firmly believe that at this point we should all be free to discuss it openly. At what point can I just tell people who haven't seen it that their time is up? What is the statute of limitations on spoiler alerts?
-The Smoke Monster
Dear Smokey,
The spoiler statute of limitations, much like time itself, is not a constant. As far as the public at large goes, i.e. people sitting next to you at restaurants, bars, bathroom stalls, etc., you have an obligation to keep all pop culture knowledge secret for no longer than two weeks. As for people you know and care about, the time line can stretch out to infinity depending on how much you care about the probable enjoyment they will derive from seeing the show without knowing what's going to happen. Honestly though, you friends need to get their collective asses in gear and watch the end of last season. Since all the episodes are available online there's really no excuse. Send them an email and tell them the new season is starting soon and in order for you to be able to enjoy it you are going to need to discuss what happened last season. Let them know you value their insights and opinions and would love to solve the mysteries of the island together. If they choose not to catch up, they are choosing to cheat themselves out of the surprise and wonder that comes from a first hand experience of witnessing a story unfolding.
Your Fellow LOST fan,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
PS. I had this fan fantasy last week ABC announced that as a Christmas present for mankind, they were going to start airing the new season before the start of the new year. I think that might really make peace on earth a possibility.
I have friends who still haven't seen the final episode of the recent season of LOST. I firmly believe that at this point we should all be free to discuss it openly. At what point can I just tell people who haven't seen it that their time is up? What is the statute of limitations on spoiler alerts?
-The Smoke Monster
Dear Smokey,
The spoiler statute of limitations, much like time itself, is not a constant. As far as the public at large goes, i.e. people sitting next to you at restaurants, bars, bathroom stalls, etc., you have an obligation to keep all pop culture knowledge secret for no longer than two weeks. As for people you know and care about, the time line can stretch out to infinity depending on how much you care about the probable enjoyment they will derive from seeing the show without knowing what's going to happen. Honestly though, you friends need to get their collective asses in gear and watch the end of last season. Since all the episodes are available online there's really no excuse. Send them an email and tell them the new season is starting soon and in order for you to be able to enjoy it you are going to need to discuss what happened last season. Let them know you value their insights and opinions and would love to solve the mysteries of the island together. If they choose not to catch up, they are choosing to cheat themselves out of the surprise and wonder that comes from a first hand experience of witnessing a story unfolding.
Your Fellow LOST fan,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
PS. I had this fan fantasy last week ABC announced that as a Christmas present for mankind, they were going to start airing the new season before the start of the new year. I think that might really make peace on earth a possibility.
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Perenial Holiday Delima
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
It seems like we are being pulled in too many directions for the holidays: my parents vs. my wife's parents for Christmas; switching our thanksgiving meal to accommodate my brother having to go to three different meals to accommodate his wife's divorced and remarried parents; ETC! How do I not let this ruin the season for me?
-Hating the Hassle of the Holidays
Dear Hating,
You are not alone. I don't know of anyone, regardless of how tight nit or scattered to the wind their family is, who doesn't find this time of year to be stressful and on the brink of ruination. I have prepared three recipes for having a happy holiday which I hope will help humanity at large to enjoy the season.
1. Become a Jehovah's Witness.
Once you join this church you will never have to celebrate any holidays ever again. Think of all the money and time you'll save by never decorating or buying gifts for anything ever again. Not only that, you also never have to vote again, say the pledge of allegiance, or sing the national anthem.
2. Quit Hatin'.
If you spend half the time thinking about how to make great holidays, as you do thinking about how horrible and inconvenient they're going to be, you'll have the best ThanksChristmas ever.
3. Get Down With the Sickness.
My family's tree is as broken and twisted as it gets, making every single family get together either impossible, or necessary of several replications in different locations. The last time we had a simple family holiday was Easter 2006. After trying for some time to figure out just how divide the hours of the day between five separate family events something magical happened; we all got the flu. For the first time ever, My wife, kids, and I spent a wonderful fevered holiday alone at home as a family. So, overbook your holidays. Say yes to everything and be over accommodating. Then the week before, go to the sickest person at your work, and dig through their trash can. Pull out the used tissues, put them in your pockets, and let the germs do the rest. While you're lying there surrounded by the sound of loved ones blowing their noses, put on A Christmas Story and bask in the warm glow of familial love and your immune system running at full bore.
Merry Whatever and Happy the Other Thing,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
It seems like we are being pulled in too many directions for the holidays: my parents vs. my wife's parents for Christmas; switching our thanksgiving meal to accommodate my brother having to go to three different meals to accommodate his wife's divorced and remarried parents; ETC! How do I not let this ruin the season for me?
-Hating the Hassle of the Holidays
Dear Hating,
You are not alone. I don't know of anyone, regardless of how tight nit or scattered to the wind their family is, who doesn't find this time of year to be stressful and on the brink of ruination. I have prepared three recipes for having a happy holiday which I hope will help humanity at large to enjoy the season.
1. Become a Jehovah's Witness.
Once you join this church you will never have to celebrate any holidays ever again. Think of all the money and time you'll save by never decorating or buying gifts for anything ever again. Not only that, you also never have to vote again, say the pledge of allegiance, or sing the national anthem.
2. Quit Hatin'.
If you spend half the time thinking about how to make great holidays, as you do thinking about how horrible and inconvenient they're going to be, you'll have the best ThanksChristmas ever.
3. Get Down With the Sickness.
My family's tree is as broken and twisted as it gets, making every single family get together either impossible, or necessary of several replications in different locations. The last time we had a simple family holiday was Easter 2006. After trying for some time to figure out just how divide the hours of the day between five separate family events something magical happened; we all got the flu. For the first time ever, My wife, kids, and I spent a wonderful fevered holiday alone at home as a family. So, overbook your holidays. Say yes to everything and be over accommodating. Then the week before, go to the sickest person at your work, and dig through their trash can. Pull out the used tissues, put them in your pockets, and let the germs do the rest. While you're lying there surrounded by the sound of loved ones blowing their noses, put on A Christmas Story and bask in the warm glow of familial love and your immune system running at full bore.
Merry Whatever and Happy the Other Thing,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Who Wants to Date a Loser?
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice but I know his story and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I've tried to put her off but she won't stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date?
-Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated,
You have just entered into my third favorite relationship paradox; the degree of acquaintance to a person is proportional to the number of truly horrible things you know about that person. This is why it's so much easier to date a person you've just met rather than someone you've been friends with forever. The biggest problem for you, and the loser brother, is that most of the information you have about him probably comes from his sister complaining about how he used to pee on the neighbors dog, beat up homeless people, and steal medicine from the neighborhood retirement home. In all actuality though, he probably never really peed on the dog, but just said he did to sound cool. As for finding him someone to grind his professionally disgraceful loins against, I recommend fixing him up someone who has wronged you in the past and deserves to be stuck in a soul killing relationship they will never get out of because every time they try he will threaten to kill himself. If you are to nice for that kind of payback, you should try befriending some women who work for Health and Human Services and set them up with him. Not only are they trained to deal with people like that, but they're all kind of suckers for a fixer upper.
Your Friend/Holy Avenger,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice but I know his story and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I've tried to put her off but she won't stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date?
-Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated,
You have just entered into my third favorite relationship paradox; the degree of acquaintance to a person is proportional to the number of truly horrible things you know about that person. This is why it's so much easier to date a person you've just met rather than someone you've been friends with forever. The biggest problem for you, and the loser brother, is that most of the information you have about him probably comes from his sister complaining about how he used to pee on the neighbors dog, beat up homeless people, and steal medicine from the neighborhood retirement home. In all actuality though, he probably never really peed on the dog, but just said he did to sound cool. As for finding him someone to grind his professionally disgraceful loins against, I recommend fixing him up someone who has wronged you in the past and deserves to be stuck in a soul killing relationship they will never get out of because every time they try he will threaten to kill himself. If you are to nice for that kind of payback, you should try befriending some women who work for Health and Human Services and set them up with him. Not only are they trained to deal with people like that, but they're all kind of suckers for a fixer upper.
Your Friend/Holy Avenger,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Feeling the Hate
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I want to love people. But I often feel the hate coming on. As far as I can tell, the mandate to love/accept/understand people spans every religion, and most enlightened non-religious views. But does the idea of loving everyone cheapen the very idea of love?
-Tired of Loving
Dear Tired,
According to a song my son learned in kindergarten, and the hit book/video/lifegasm "The Secret" the more love you put out into the universe, the more will come back to you. You can argue with my son's beliefs, as he does go to an alternative school, but can you possibly ignore the bazillion copies of the book that people bought for their loser friends? Analytically speaking, loving everyone does not cheapen the idea of love because it is statistically impossible to love two people equally. (Unless they are identical twins. Or paternal twins dying from a rare non hereditary disease). This is possible, because love is not a constant but a variable whose value is dependant upon the relative lovability of the person in question. This allows you to assign different love values to everyone, thus preserving the "good love" for those whom you really love, and the "poor" to "negligible" love for those who keep going on and on about how much The Secret has changed their lives. The best thing about this assigning of values is that it is constantly in flux, which leaves room for your loved ones to jockey for position. (When I worked in an office, I kept a list on my window ranking all my coworkers from most favorite to least favorite. The people who had the most competitive dispositions would try to one up each other to get to the top of the list by giving me food. ) This turns your love into a commodity, whose value can only increase when demand is greater than supply, which will ultimately lead to most people realizing your love isn't worth the price and that they can live without it.
Don't be afraid to share the love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I want to love people. But I often feel the hate coming on. As far as I can tell, the mandate to love/accept/understand people spans every religion, and most enlightened non-religious views. But does the idea of loving everyone cheapen the very idea of love?
-Tired of Loving
Dear Tired,
According to a song my son learned in kindergarten, and the hit book/video/lifegasm "The Secret" the more love you put out into the universe, the more will come back to you. You can argue with my son's beliefs, as he does go to an alternative school, but can you possibly ignore the bazillion copies of the book that people bought for their loser friends? Analytically speaking, loving everyone does not cheapen the idea of love because it is statistically impossible to love two people equally. (Unless they are identical twins. Or paternal twins dying from a rare non hereditary disease). This is possible, because love is not a constant but a variable whose value is dependant upon the relative lovability of the person in question. This allows you to assign different love values to everyone, thus preserving the "good love" for those whom you really love, and the "poor" to "negligible" love for those who keep going on and on about how much The Secret has changed their lives. The best thing about this assigning of values is that it is constantly in flux, which leaves room for your loved ones to jockey for position. (When I worked in an office, I kept a list on my window ranking all my coworkers from most favorite to least favorite. The people who had the most competitive dispositions would try to one up each other to get to the top of the list by giving me food. ) This turns your love into a commodity, whose value can only increase when demand is greater than supply, which will ultimately lead to most people realizing your love isn't worth the price and that they can live without it.
Don't be afraid to share the love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
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