Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Who Doesn't Love Banana Slugs

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
A few years ago, one of my best friends got married. The ceremony was held at a little church on the north coast of CA. The reception was at a private campsite. There was a dinning hall, a dance hall and cabins scattered throughout the redwoods. It reeked of natural beauty. There were some people there who did not appreciate the natural beauty of some of the nature around us. Giant banana slugs could be found almost anywhere. My son was photographed licking a banana slug. I did not get the photo with my own camera. Now, when I ask my friend if he has the photo, he gets defensive. He thought the banana slug photos were a "comment" on the reception. I think some stuffy family members may have said something. The truth is the reception was one of the best I have ever been to! All of my friends had a great time. I say F@$& the family! I need to get a photo of my son licking a banan slug! Do you know where I can get such a picture? And, no, I am not a NAMBLA member. And, no, "licking a banan slug" is not slang for something obscene.

Please help,
Slugless in Seatle

Dear Slugless,

Your letter indicates a major misconception of the average internet user and a major shortcoming of the internet itself; If the photo is not of a naked woman, you will never find it. To prove this point, I entered your entire letter into a google image search and came up with the following images:

But when I typed "naked boobs" into the middle of the letter I got way different response:

Obviously this was not the kind of photo I was expecting, maybe I'll try erasing everything except "naked boobs" and see if that gets me anything.
I can't believe this. Someone broke the internet. I bet the ghost of Jerry Falwell got in the damn internet and killed all the porn. This is a dark day indeed...never mind, the wife put the safe search on. Oh thank God, we have been delivered! Either way, here's some kids licking banana slugs photos google gave me, hope these kids are yours cause I've got better things to be looking up now.



Your master googler,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I Hate the Eagles

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
My significant other likes stupid stuff. Like inane pulpy movies and classic rock. Is it petty if this really REALLY bothers me?

I Hate the Eagles and Movies Based on Jane Austen Books

Dear I Hate,
Hatred for stuff your spouse likes is good for America. Everything you can't stand about this woman is a an economic boon for the following reasons:
1. Your spouse has to keep re-buying the lame crap you keep throwing away.
2. Therapist's fees are taxable.
3. Therapist's have A LOT of disposable income from overcharging people and they are made to pay taxes on those monies.
4. Divorce forces both parties to buy a new house, new appliances, and the love of their children.
From a financial perspective, in this bull market, I say let that pretty hate machine rev up. The sooner you get fed up enough to leave this uncultured mule the better. For all of us. Leaving your wife might be the single most important thing you can do to make the world a better place. Bear this in mind though, "The Eagles Greatest Hits Vol I" has sold 29 Million copies. That's two million more than "Thriller" and 22 million more than Hall and Oats "Rock and Soul - Part One." And just for information's sake, that's not a platinum album, that's diamond baby. No, I didn't just make that up, it's for true. Here's what the diamond award looks like:

Which oddly enough reminds me of this
great LPGA golf trophy: Which makes me wish I could find a picture of Kenny G accepting his Diamond award for "Breathless." Bottom line? The odds are good that your next wife will also be able to whistle Hotel California if not sing all the lyrics. So best to just quit whining like a shameless baby and learn to love your wife for something other than her taste in music and movies.

Good luck with that,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Penis+ Motorcycle = Big Penis

Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a huge motorcycle in my living room. Am I trying to compensate for things that might not be huge in my life? Like in my pants? Like my penis for example?
-Motorcycle Dependant

Dear Motorcycle,

While I'm not technically a sex therapist, I do occasionally dabble in the "Dark Sex Arts." According to Anton Szandor LaVey, "A man who dabbles in motorsports is looking for a distraction from the ever present spectre of death." While this is true, I can't help but think that a man who keeps a motorcycle in his room is doing more than dabbling. Unfortunately, since Anton is no longer with us, I can't really ask him. My first instinct is to go with the compensation theory because it's so easy, but I'm not sure it's the best unlicensed opinion since even Freud said, "sometimes a big ass motorcycle is just a big ass motorcycle." The most important issue here though, is not whether you are trying to offset your remarkably small penis, but if it's working. Do girls really fall for it? If the answer is no, I would suggest putting the motorcycle into storage and purchasing a large (at least 10x) magnifying glass to attach at a 45 degree angle at the bottom of your belt buckle. I know employing an optical illusion to trick girls into thinking you've got the goods might seem like cheating, but it's not unless you plan to marry them. But let's face it, you undersized guys rarely tie the knot. If the answer is yes, please post information as to the make and model of the motorcycle so that we can all follow your lead.

Your Friend on the Internet,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist