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After reading your column for a few weeks now, I am detecting a bit of a pattern. The "selected" entries all seem a little far-fetched and silly. Pretty out there. I have a theory that, in fact, YOU, Mr. Unlicensed Therapist Man, are making up your own problems so that you can then wax poetic on your contrived material. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE reading this stuff and I really do not care whether it is fact or fiction, I just want to put it out there and see if maybe you take the bait and I get a response.

-Doubting Thomasina

Dear Doubting,

Consider the bait taken. While I can not speak as to the factual or fictional nature of the letters I receive, I can assure you that I do not write them. Unlike many of my contemporaries (Prudence, Dan Savage, those two women who kind of pretend to be Ann Landers) I find the idea of writing letters to my own column not only distasteful but way too much work. I do however edit the letters I get for clarity. To give an idea as to what this entails, I will reprint the letter above in it's original form with notations concerning my edits.

After reading your column for a few weeks now, I am detecting a bit of a pattern. The "selected" entries all seem a little far-fetched and silly, not unlike a rhino in a wedding dress whose dance card has been retrieved from the bottom of the punch bowl at the end of the night to reveal the sad fact that it was as empty and barren as the romantic prospects that lie ahead for our dear horny friend. As a rule I always chop out the lengthy metaphorical ramblings. This one almost made it through because she used the phrase "dance card" but "a rhino in a wedding dress" was not unlike something written by a second grader.

I have a theory that, in fact, YOU, Mr. Unlicensed Therapist Man, are making up your own problems so that you can then wax poetic on your contrived material. Don't get me wrong, I love... I decided to put "love" in caps just to add a little umph.

...reading your brilliant musings on our collective mortal coil, which add a measure of validity, vitality, and soulfulness to the wasteland that is today's internet landscape. Thought this was laying it on a bit thick and might lead people to think that I author my own letters, so I simplified it to "reading this stuff"

and I really do not care whether it is fact or fiction, I just want to put it out there and see if maybe you take the bait and I get a response. If you'd rather not reply on this public blog, cruise on over to my private site (link disabled due to mediocre boudoir photos) and see if there's not something there that might get a response out of you! I don't know what it is about handsome intelligent guys like you that make me want to turn my web cam on and put on a little show just for you. And if you're down to meet up and... The rest of the letter described in disturbing detail just what she wanted to do with me if she ever got lucky enough to find me tied up with electrical tape inside an abandoned refridgerator. Since my wife reads this occasionally, I thought it would be best to just leave that part off.

I hope this is proof enough for you. And seriously, put a little more effort into your "sexy" photos and you're sure to find the man of your dreams. For starters, don't use the camera flash, and don't hold the camera while you snap the picture, set it on your bureau and use the auto timer function. Take more soon, send them too me, and I will provide more feedback, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
Always here to help,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist