Sunday, May 11, 2008

Please please me, and don't say ouch too loud, it spoils the moment

Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Thearapist,

I have a friend whose partner is not as sexually adventurous as he is. In fact, there are some acts to which she simply says NO and even guilt-trips him for wanting to do such things.
Doesn't a lover have a certain responsibility to please his/her partner, or at least be willing to try?
-Don't Say Don't

Dear Don't

I know this might seem totally unfair, but even after you're married NO still means NO. At the same time, guilt-tripping a person about their wants, especially ones that they perceive as needs, is an ugly and careless thing to do that usually comes from the wanter not being able to take NO for an answer. What's needed here is a little diplomacy. Your "friend" must change his tactics before he ends up in an inescapable quagmire of loathing, cruelty, and sexual dissatisfaction.

One way to do this is by improving diplomatic relations concerning sexual relations. He should approach his partner as a potential business partner he's trying to sell on a risky pyramid scheme. Lay out his needs and make a case as to why he should be allowed to proceed, and most importantly, what's in it for their partner. He should build a good case by doing his homework on the ins and outs of whatever freak nasty thing he wants to perpetrate on the person he cares deeply about. Do this to show them you've taken their fears and risks into account, which is a great way to build trust and confidence. Also, he needs to figure out how much he's willing to give in return to get what he wants.

I know all this sounds terribly unsexy, but I'm guessing the acts he wants to perpetrate on his partner are viewed in a similar way. Before going into these negotiations, he needs to figure out just how far he's willing to go to make this thing happen. Where is the line that can not be crossed? If the girl wants to soil a diaper and have him clean up the mess, is he still game? If she wants to watch him make out with another dude, would he still be down? If she wants him to take six months of square dancing lessons, is it worth it? Not knowing, and sticking to, your limits is how many good people end up paying $150 for an A-Team lunch box on ebay, whose arrival is accompanied by a sense of shame for spending that much money on a toy.

So tell your "friend" to get his business acumen on! But be warned, it's possible that whatever depraved thing your friend gets to do to his lady friend could simultaneously be everything he ever dreamed of and a living nightmare for her, one she will be unwilling to live through again. This begs the Smokey Robinson question: Is a little taste of honey worse than none at all? But if he's willing to risk potentially being doubly tormented for the rest of his life, then godspeed and good luck.

Your confidant,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

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