Wednesday, August 6, 2008

In the future, my wife's gonna be HOT!

Your most recent therapy session reminded me of one of the modern axioms: Boob Jobs are hot. And by now, seem to be totally safe. They might even be affordable in the near future. How can I a)convince my wife to get one; and b)fund the procedure without breaking the bank?

-Better living through (cheap) surgery

Dear Better,
The most surefire way to talk your wife into unnecessary surgery, and the risks that accompany it, is to carefully and systematically destroy her self esteem, with a focus on the chest area. First begin to chisel away at her positive body image by pretending to be spooked every time you see her with her shirt off. As time goes on, begin to exaggerate the level of spookedness climaxing in a jump accompanied by a little scream. Next, make a habit of letting out a sorrow-filled heavy exhale whenever you touch her breasts. It should convey a sense of loss and debilitating sadness stopping just short of tears. Once this has begun to work it's magic, let yourself get caught starring at her chest. When she sees you, glance at her eyes and look away saying something like, "Wow. We are really getting old, aren't we?" Feel free to kick it up a notch by talking about how hot girls with fake boobs are. Once she begins to wear sweaters in August, you've got her right where you want her. Start clipping out adds for breast augmentation from your local newspaper and discretely leave them tucked into her personal possessions: books, car sun visor, bra. When she comes to you broken and ruined, you step in and save the day, and probably her life as well, by offering her the best rack a credit card can buy.

Your Friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist


Anonymous said...

You are a dick.

Jason Adair said...

Wow. I'd like to be able to help you with your "hater complex" but there's just not enough information. Perhaps you could write me as to why you feel this way so that I may properly debase whatever flawed study your ridiculous conclusion is based on.
Looking forward to helping you,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute, I think that guy was serious.
And I'm pretty sure the person who called you a dick is one Donna Morello.

Anonymous said...

This advice is totally bunk. I tried something very similar with my last girlfriend and she ended up leaving me for a dude that works at Radio Shack.

Anonymous said...

If you seriously want to talk your wife or girlfriend into bigger breasts, there's a manual ! look at

for better or worse good luck.