Here's another column that belongs under the shameless self promotion heading. My GOOD FRIEND Rob Cockerham asked me to write some junk for his totally great website cockeyed.com. If you're not familiar with cockeyed, you should definitely check it out as it is one of the greatest sights and sites on the internet. As for my therapeutic responsibilities, I will get back to them soon, as I am currently being treated for a debilitating facebook scrabble addiction, which is taking up a lot of my free time. In lieu of actual advice, here are some great videos that should help you feel better: EPIC ROCK VIDEO, EPIC POE INTERPRETATION VIDEO, and EPIC BIKE VIDEO.
Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Greatest Television Show Ever and the Conundrum Which Constantly Plagues it's Viewers
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have friends who still haven't seen the final episode of the recent season of LOST. I firmly believe that at this point we should all be free to discuss it openly. At what point can I just tell people who haven't seen it that their time is up? What is the statute of limitations on spoiler alerts?
-The Smoke Monster
Dear Smokey,
The spoiler statute of limitations, much like time itself, is not a constant. As far as the public at large goes, i.e. people sitting next to you at restaurants, bars, bathroom stalls, etc., you have an obligation to keep all pop culture knowledge secret for no longer than two weeks. As for people you know and care about, the time line can stretch out to infinity depending on how much you care about the probable enjoyment they will derive from seeing the show without knowing what's going to happen. Honestly though, you friends need to get their collective asses in gear and watch the end of last season. Since all the episodes are available online there's really no excuse. Send them an email and tell them the new season is starting soon and in order for you to be able to enjoy it you are going to need to discuss what happened last season. Let them know you value their insights and opinions and would love to solve the mysteries of the island together. If they choose not to catch up, they are choosing to cheat themselves out of the surprise and wonder that comes from a first hand experience of witnessing a story unfolding.
Your Fellow LOST fan,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
PS. I had this fan fantasy last week ABC announced that as a Christmas present for mankind, they were going to start airing the new season before the start of the new year. I think that might really make peace on earth a possibility.
I have friends who still haven't seen the final episode of the recent season of LOST. I firmly believe that at this point we should all be free to discuss it openly. At what point can I just tell people who haven't seen it that their time is up? What is the statute of limitations on spoiler alerts?
-The Smoke Monster
Dear Smokey,
The spoiler statute of limitations, much like time itself, is not a constant. As far as the public at large goes, i.e. people sitting next to you at restaurants, bars, bathroom stalls, etc., you have an obligation to keep all pop culture knowledge secret for no longer than two weeks. As for people you know and care about, the time line can stretch out to infinity depending on how much you care about the probable enjoyment they will derive from seeing the show without knowing what's going to happen. Honestly though, you friends need to get their collective asses in gear and watch the end of last season. Since all the episodes are available online there's really no excuse. Send them an email and tell them the new season is starting soon and in order for you to be able to enjoy it you are going to need to discuss what happened last season. Let them know you value their insights and opinions and would love to solve the mysteries of the island together. If they choose not to catch up, they are choosing to cheat themselves out of the surprise and wonder that comes from a first hand experience of witnessing a story unfolding.
Your Fellow LOST fan,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
PS. I had this fan fantasy last week ABC announced that as a Christmas present for mankind, they were going to start airing the new season before the start of the new year. I think that might really make peace on earth a possibility.
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Perenial Holiday Delima
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
It seems like we are being pulled in too many directions for the holidays: my parents vs. my wife's parents for Christmas; switching our thanksgiving meal to accommodate my brother having to go to three different meals to accommodate his wife's divorced and remarried parents; ETC! How do I not let this ruin the season for me?
-Hating the Hassle of the Holidays
Dear Hating,
You are not alone. I don't know of anyone, regardless of how tight nit or scattered to the wind their family is, who doesn't find this time of year to be stressful and on the brink of ruination. I have prepared three recipes for having a happy holiday which I hope will help humanity at large to enjoy the season.
1. Become a Jehovah's Witness.
Once you join this church you will never have to celebrate any holidays ever again. Think of all the money and time you'll save by never decorating or buying gifts for anything ever again. Not only that, you also never have to vote again, say the pledge of allegiance, or sing the national anthem.
2. Quit Hatin'.
If you spend half the time thinking about how to make great holidays, as you do thinking about how horrible and inconvenient they're going to be, you'll have the best ThanksChristmas ever.
3. Get Down With the Sickness.
My family's tree is as broken and twisted as it gets, making every single family get together either impossible, or necessary of several replications in different locations. The last time we had a simple family holiday was Easter 2006. After trying for some time to figure out just how divide the hours of the day between five separate family events something magical happened; we all got the flu. For the first time ever, My wife, kids, and I spent a wonderful fevered holiday alone at home as a family. So, overbook your holidays. Say yes to everything and be over accommodating. Then the week before, go to the sickest person at your work, and dig through their trash can. Pull out the used tissues, put them in your pockets, and let the germs do the rest. While you're lying there surrounded by the sound of loved ones blowing their noses, put on A Christmas Story and bask in the warm glow of familial love and your immune system running at full bore.
Merry Whatever and Happy the Other Thing,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
It seems like we are being pulled in too many directions for the holidays: my parents vs. my wife's parents for Christmas; switching our thanksgiving meal to accommodate my brother having to go to three different meals to accommodate his wife's divorced and remarried parents; ETC! How do I not let this ruin the season for me?
-Hating the Hassle of the Holidays
Dear Hating,
You are not alone. I don't know of anyone, regardless of how tight nit or scattered to the wind their family is, who doesn't find this time of year to be stressful and on the brink of ruination. I have prepared three recipes for having a happy holiday which I hope will help humanity at large to enjoy the season.
1. Become a Jehovah's Witness.
Once you join this church you will never have to celebrate any holidays ever again. Think of all the money and time you'll save by never decorating or buying gifts for anything ever again. Not only that, you also never have to vote again, say the pledge of allegiance, or sing the national anthem.
2. Quit Hatin'.
If you spend half the time thinking about how to make great holidays, as you do thinking about how horrible and inconvenient they're going to be, you'll have the best ThanksChristmas ever.
3. Get Down With the Sickness.
My family's tree is as broken and twisted as it gets, making every single family get together either impossible, or necessary of several replications in different locations. The last time we had a simple family holiday was Easter 2006. After trying for some time to figure out just how divide the hours of the day between five separate family events something magical happened; we all got the flu. For the first time ever, My wife, kids, and I spent a wonderful fevered holiday alone at home as a family. So, overbook your holidays. Say yes to everything and be over accommodating. Then the week before, go to the sickest person at your work, and dig through their trash can. Pull out the used tissues, put them in your pockets, and let the germs do the rest. While you're lying there surrounded by the sound of loved ones blowing their noses, put on A Christmas Story and bask in the warm glow of familial love and your immune system running at full bore.
Merry Whatever and Happy the Other Thing,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Who Wants to Date a Loser?
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice but I know his story and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I've tried to put her off but she won't stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date?
-Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated,
You have just entered into my third favorite relationship paradox; the degree of acquaintance to a person is proportional to the number of truly horrible things you know about that person. This is why it's so much easier to date a person you've just met rather than someone you've been friends with forever. The biggest problem for you, and the loser brother, is that most of the information you have about him probably comes from his sister complaining about how he used to pee on the neighbors dog, beat up homeless people, and steal medicine from the neighborhood retirement home. In all actuality though, he probably never really peed on the dog, but just said he did to sound cool. As for finding him someone to grind his professionally disgraceful loins against, I recommend fixing him up someone who has wronged you in the past and deserves to be stuck in a soul killing relationship they will never get out of because every time they try he will threaten to kill himself. If you are to nice for that kind of payback, you should try befriending some women who work for Health and Human Services and set them up with him. Not only are they trained to deal with people like that, but they're all kind of suckers for a fixer upper.
Your Friend/Holy Avenger,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice but I know his story and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I've tried to put her off but she won't stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date?
-Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated,
You have just entered into my third favorite relationship paradox; the degree of acquaintance to a person is proportional to the number of truly horrible things you know about that person. This is why it's so much easier to date a person you've just met rather than someone you've been friends with forever. The biggest problem for you, and the loser brother, is that most of the information you have about him probably comes from his sister complaining about how he used to pee on the neighbors dog, beat up homeless people, and steal medicine from the neighborhood retirement home. In all actuality though, he probably never really peed on the dog, but just said he did to sound cool. As for finding him someone to grind his professionally disgraceful loins against, I recommend fixing him up someone who has wronged you in the past and deserves to be stuck in a soul killing relationship they will never get out of because every time they try he will threaten to kill himself. If you are to nice for that kind of payback, you should try befriending some women who work for Health and Human Services and set them up with him. Not only are they trained to deal with people like that, but they're all kind of suckers for a fixer upper.
Your Friend/Holy Avenger,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Feeling the Hate
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I want to love people. But I often feel the hate coming on. As far as I can tell, the mandate to love/accept/understand people spans every religion, and most enlightened non-religious views. But does the idea of loving everyone cheapen the very idea of love?
-Tired of Loving
Dear Tired,
According to a song my son learned in kindergarten, and the hit book/video/lifegasm "The Secret" the more love you put out into the universe, the more will come back to you. You can argue with my son's beliefs, as he does go to an alternative school, but can you possibly ignore the bazillion copies of the book that people bought for their loser friends? Analytically speaking, loving everyone does not cheapen the idea of love because it is statistically impossible to love two people equally. (Unless they are identical twins. Or paternal twins dying from a rare non hereditary disease). This is possible, because love is not a constant but a variable whose value is dependant upon the relative lovability of the person in question. This allows you to assign different love values to everyone, thus preserving the "good love" for those whom you really love, and the "poor" to "negligible" love for those who keep going on and on about how much The Secret has changed their lives. The best thing about this assigning of values is that it is constantly in flux, which leaves room for your loved ones to jockey for position. (When I worked in an office, I kept a list on my window ranking all my coworkers from most favorite to least favorite. The people who had the most competitive dispositions would try to one up each other to get to the top of the list by giving me food. ) This turns your love into a commodity, whose value can only increase when demand is greater than supply, which will ultimately lead to most people realizing your love isn't worth the price and that they can live without it.
Don't be afraid to share the love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I want to love people. But I often feel the hate coming on. As far as I can tell, the mandate to love/accept/understand people spans every religion, and most enlightened non-religious views. But does the idea of loving everyone cheapen the very idea of love?
-Tired of Loving
Dear Tired,
According to a song my son learned in kindergarten, and the hit book/video/lifegasm "The Secret" the more love you put out into the universe, the more will come back to you. You can argue with my son's beliefs, as he does go to an alternative school, but can you possibly ignore the bazillion copies of the book that people bought for their loser friends? Analytically speaking, loving everyone does not cheapen the idea of love because it is statistically impossible to love two people equally. (Unless they are identical twins. Or paternal twins dying from a rare non hereditary disease). This is possible, because love is not a constant but a variable whose value is dependant upon the relative lovability of the person in question. This allows you to assign different love values to everyone, thus preserving the "good love" for those whom you really love, and the "poor" to "negligible" love for those who keep going on and on about how much The Secret has changed their lives. The best thing about this assigning of values is that it is constantly in flux, which leaves room for your loved ones to jockey for position. (When I worked in an office, I kept a list on my window ranking all my coworkers from most favorite to least favorite. The people who had the most competitive dispositions would try to one up each other to get to the top of the list by giving me food. ) This turns your love into a commodity, whose value can only increase when demand is greater than supply, which will ultimately lead to most people realizing your love isn't worth the price and that they can live without it.
Don't be afraid to share the love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Exciting and Wonderous Search Statistics
I was just going through the stats for this site, trying to figure out how to better serve the internet user at large, when I came across some startling figures. I'm going to reveal them to you, not in an effort to scare you away from this site, but more as an act of full disclosure, just so you know the kind of gang you're hanging with.
Like most internet sites, a good chunk of my traffic comes from people searching keywords on google. Below are the top five keyword searches that will get you to the unlicensed therapist site.
#1 Mooseknuckle/Moose Knuckle %60
#2 Spanking Advice/Help %4
#3 Unlicensed Therapist %4
#4 How to talk Wife into Breast Implants %3
#5 Can You Lick Slugs %2
It's kind of weird to think that the first post I wrote brings in the most traffic. Granted, most of that traffic stays for less than five seconds once they figure out this is not a mooseknuckle enthusiasts site. I guess the thing I need to figure out is how I can best change peoples lives for the better in five seconds or under. I'm going to do my best to crack that nut, but I'd really appreciate your help if you've got any good ideas.
Your Therapeutic Team Mate,
Jason Adair, the Unlicensed Therapist.
Like most internet sites, a good chunk of my traffic comes from people searching keywords on google. Below are the top five keyword searches that will get you to the unlicensed therapist site.
#1 Mooseknuckle/Moose Knuckle %60
#2 Spanking Advice/Help %4
#3 Unlicensed Therapist %4
#4 How to talk Wife into Breast Implants %3
#5 Can You Lick Slugs %2
It's kind of weird to think that the first post I wrote brings in the most traffic. Granted, most of that traffic stays for less than five seconds once they figure out this is not a mooseknuckle enthusiasts site. I guess the thing I need to figure out is how I can best change peoples lives for the better in five seconds or under. I'm going to do my best to crack that nut, but I'd really appreciate your help if you've got any good ideas.
Your Therapeutic Team Mate,
Jason Adair, the Unlicensed Therapist.
Friday, October 3, 2008
My Boyfriend Won't Share
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
Why is it when you ask the man in your life if you can look at porn with him…the collection you know he has, or the websites you’re aware he visits…he doggedly says, “um yah, sure.” If guys like porn so much, why aren’t they willing to share it with their female partners? We’re willing to hold our noses and plunge into that water because we care. Why aren’t they willing, eager even, to accept the solicitation?
Prohibited Paired Porn, WA
Dear Porn,
The history of your boyfriend and his pornography go waaaaaaaaay back. While you were selling lemonade he was in his closet with an old cashmere sweater in one hand and a National Geographic in the other. The solitary relationship he's built with countless pages of the underwear section of the Sears Catalogue is ancient compared to the sexual relationship he has with you. He's seen girlfriends like you come and go, but the naked girls from Hustler have stayed by him through thick and thin. It's this age old bond with his fantasy world that he doesn't want to risk by inviting you into it. Mostly because he dosn't want you to ruin it. He fears that you will not enjoy looking at the disgusting filth that is the gospel of his id, and that you will look upon his shame and be repulsed. You say you want to plunge into that water, but it's really something you should wade into slowly, becasue it's cold, and dirty, and there's unidentifiable stuff floating in it. If you really want to explore the use of porn in your sex life, don't start with his porn. Find stuff you like and bring it in the bedroom. Be warned though, he'll probably be more supportive if your new interest than all of your old ones combined.
Your sexual mentor,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Why is it when you ask the man in your life if you can look at porn with him…the collection you know he has, or the websites you’re aware he visits…he doggedly says, “um yah, sure.” If guys like porn so much, why aren’t they willing to share it with their female partners? We’re willing to hold our noses and plunge into that water because we care. Why aren’t they willing, eager even, to accept the solicitation?
Prohibited Paired Porn, WA
Dear Porn,
The history of your boyfriend and his pornography go waaaaaaaaay back. While you were selling lemonade he was in his closet with an old cashmere sweater in one hand and a National Geographic in the other. The solitary relationship he's built with countless pages of the underwear section of the Sears Catalogue is ancient compared to the sexual relationship he has with you. He's seen girlfriends like you come and go, but the naked girls from Hustler have stayed by him through thick and thin. It's this age old bond with his fantasy world that he doesn't want to risk by inviting you into it. Mostly because he dosn't want you to ruin it. He fears that you will not enjoy looking at the disgusting filth that is the gospel of his id, and that you will look upon his shame and be repulsed. You say you want to plunge into that water, but it's really something you should wade into slowly, becasue it's cold, and dirty, and there's unidentifiable stuff floating in it. If you really want to explore the use of porn in your sex life, don't start with his porn. Find stuff you like and bring it in the bedroom. Be warned though, he'll probably be more supportive if your new interest than all of your old ones combined.
Your sexual mentor,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Mad Communication Skilz
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
Yo so here it goes dam i need help so bad!!!!! im really depressed and sad because of this. U see im 13. I really like this girl ok. we were really cool until one day i had to screw it up by sending her a letter/poem. WOW. So she didn't like me i guess and she sent me an email saying she wants to be my friend instead which is a lie because we never had a conversation since then. So My close friend who is 12 and she is 13. he likes her too he told her and she told him that she liked him too. I was so sad dam. next day. we had an event in school ok and i was with my friend ok. Then she comes and starts flirting with him. dam. he was with my like the whole time. so sad. I later went outside and cried. some girls saw me and asked me wut was wrong i said nothing. the she left my friend and came to me her name is kate. so kate comes and says come wid me i said no ( dam it ) then she asks wuts wrong i said nothing ( dam it ). she later leaves unhappy too. dam but i felt better because she asked me which meant she cared wow it felt so good man. Ya so now kate and my friend are like together but not dating. So what do I do man please please help me !!! i really like her man. how can i win her bak or something. dam im in soo much pain right now...... help
Dear ......Help
I want to tell you to forget about this girl and to move on, but if there's one thing I remember about girls, and being thirteen, is that the emotions you're feeling right now are so much larger than your rational mind can really deal with. This is totally normal. As for what to do about it, my advice is to play it cool. I'm not saying you should ignore this girl, but take great pains to treat her as if you're not interested in dating her. The truth is, once a girl says she's not interested, and a guy makes a plan to "win her back" he develops a stink of desperation, and everyone can smell it. Once you get that stink on you it's really hard to get off. Unfortunately, the way Kate is acting, you might be stinky already, in which case you really should move on. Take that pain you're feeling and channel it into improving yourself so that you'll be more of a catch for the next girl your teenage hormones target. First and foremost, work on your written communication skills. If that letter/poem you sent to Kate was as incoherent as the letter you sent to me, she might not have even understood what you wanted. Also, DO NOT WRITE GIRLS POEMS. There aren't many guys that can actually pull that off and not seem either creepy or shallow. Instead, read some poets who have good stuff to say about love and relationships (Emily Dickenson, E. E. Cummings, Charles Bukowski) and send their poems instead of your own, kind of like a poetry mix tape. That way you get the double impact of a good poem and being seen as well read. Good luck with the ladies, and before you send another letter to anyone, read it to yourself out loud first.
Your Young Love Cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Yo so here it goes dam i need help so bad!!!!! im really depressed and sad because of this. U see im 13. I really like this girl ok. we were really cool until one day i had to screw it up by sending her a letter/poem. WOW. So she didn't like me i guess and she sent me an email saying she wants to be my friend instead which is a lie because we never had a conversation since then. So My close friend who is 12 and she is 13. he likes her too he told her and she told him that she liked him too. I was so sad dam. next day. we had an event in school ok and i was with my friend ok. Then she comes and starts flirting with him. dam. he was with my like the whole time. so sad. I later went outside and cried. some girls saw me and asked me wut was wrong i said nothing. the she left my friend and came to me her name is kate. so kate comes and says come wid me i said no ( dam it ) then she asks wuts wrong i said nothing ( dam it ). she later leaves unhappy too. dam but i felt better because she asked me which meant she cared wow it felt so good man. Ya so now kate and my friend are like together but not dating. So what do I do man please please help me !!! i really like her man. how can i win her bak or something. dam im in soo much pain right now...... help
Dear ......Help
I want to tell you to forget about this girl and to move on, but if there's one thing I remember about girls, and being thirteen, is that the emotions you're feeling right now are so much larger than your rational mind can really deal with. This is totally normal. As for what to do about it, my advice is to play it cool. I'm not saying you should ignore this girl, but take great pains to treat her as if you're not interested in dating her. The truth is, once a girl says she's not interested, and a guy makes a plan to "win her back" he develops a stink of desperation, and everyone can smell it. Once you get that stink on you it's really hard to get off. Unfortunately, the way Kate is acting, you might be stinky already, in which case you really should move on. Take that pain you're feeling and channel it into improving yourself so that you'll be more of a catch for the next girl your teenage hormones target. First and foremost, work on your written communication skills. If that letter/poem you sent to Kate was as incoherent as the letter you sent to me, she might not have even understood what you wanted. Also, DO NOT WRITE GIRLS POEMS. There aren't many guys that can actually pull that off and not seem either creepy or shallow. Instead, read some poets who have good stuff to say about love and relationships (Emily Dickenson, E. E. Cummings, Charles Bukowski) and send their poems instead of your own, kind of like a poetry mix tape. That way you get the double impact of a good poem and being seen as well read. Good luck with the ladies, and before you send another letter to anyone, read it to yourself out loud first.
Your Young Love Cheerleader,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Technically Speaking
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a problem. I have a very important video blog I need to start posting, but the camera folks who agreed to help me several months ago have dropped the ball faster than the 49ers. Can you help me?
Everett Nolan
Dear Everett,
The first piece of advice I'm going to give you is gong to be a bitter pill for you to swallow; for the love of (insert name of deity you pray to here), stop using sports analogies. You're better than that Everett. As for your video problems I totally understand and sympathize with you. Here's the deal, you don't need "camera folks" to do an important video blog, or vlog as the kids call em'. The worst thing you can do, productively speaking, is to get technical people involved. The more high tech your equipment, the more time it's going to take to shoot and edit your important footage. I've found that when I need to get something done effectively and efficiently, the best tool for the job is my digital camera. It takes decent mpg movies which I can quickly download and edit on my computer. This video, is one I shot on my lunch break with my little Sony CyberShot. Yes, the quality is not HDTV, but it's better than most vlogs that are shot with web cams. And compared to the project I did before it with camera folks, it took no time at all. (the video won a vegan pot pie in a sketch video competition.) People that watch video on the internet are used to low tech presentation. What they want is interesting content. A perfect example is the greatest vlog I've ever seen, authored by a thirteen year old pop culture critic/freakscene who calls himself sexman. Keep it simple and wow the internet with your wonderful important video blog, unless you're making another lame ass sports vlog. In that case disregard the above.
I have a problem. I have a very important video blog I need to start posting, but the camera folks who agreed to help me several months ago have dropped the ball faster than the 49ers. Can you help me?
Everett Nolan
Dear Everett,
The first piece of advice I'm going to give you is gong to be a bitter pill for you to swallow; for the love of (insert name of deity you pray to here), stop using sports analogies. You're better than that Everett. As for your video problems I totally understand and sympathize with you. Here's the deal, you don't need "camera folks" to do an important video blog, or vlog as the kids call em'. The worst thing you can do, productively speaking, is to get technical people involved. The more high tech your equipment, the more time it's going to take to shoot and edit your important footage. I've found that when I need to get something done effectively and efficiently, the best tool for the job is my digital camera. It takes decent mpg movies which I can quickly download and edit on my computer. This video, is one I shot on my lunch break with my little Sony CyberShot. Yes, the quality is not HDTV, but it's better than most vlogs that are shot with web cams. And compared to the project I did before it with camera folks, it took no time at all. (the video won a vegan pot pie in a sketch video competition.) People that watch video on the internet are used to low tech presentation. What they want is interesting content. A perfect example is the greatest vlog I've ever seen, authored by a thirteen year old pop culture critic/freakscene who calls himself sexman. Keep it simple and wow the internet with your wonderful important video blog, unless you're making another lame ass sports vlog. In that case disregard the above.
Monday, September 8, 2008
What's Really Bothering You?
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a serious problem. I still love my husband but I do not like him. We have evolved in different directions. I appreciate that he is a good man and a good father to our children. He is responsible and reliable. All the things some other women would kill for. But the way he eats his cereal sickens me and the way his dental floss clicks drives me insane. Do you think this feeling of disgust will pass?
- Looking my husband down in the mouth
Dear Looking,
I've actually received numerous letters concerning problems like yours recently. The whole "love but don't like" dilemma seems to be all the rage in 2008. What makes this trend interesting is that the problems people are having are never things that would be deal breakers, much less a cause to seek guidance from an unlicensed therapist. Growing too far apart is a natural process for at least 50% of married couples, while complaining about ridiculous things seems to affect more like 98% of married couples. Is your relationship really so good that the worst problem some people face is, "I can't stand the sound of my wife's voice"? Come on people! If your spouse had joined the Klan, or killed a neighbor and buried them under the potting shed, or loved the movie Sideways, you might have a argument worth making. As for the disgust, I'm wondering if it's not a little self loathing for feeling like you're a loser for falling out of like with this good man. The horrible truth is you don't need a good reason to fall out of like with someone. Unfortunately, without a big problem to work out, (i.e. Loving the Movie Sideways) it does make it harder to fix. So, I don't know if you'll ever get over the disgust. One thing that will definately help is to leave the room when your husband eats his cereal, and don't be in the bathroom when he flosses.
Sideways was a stupid movie,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a serious problem. I still love my husband but I do not like him. We have evolved in different directions. I appreciate that he is a good man and a good father to our children. He is responsible and reliable. All the things some other women would kill for. But the way he eats his cereal sickens me and the way his dental floss clicks drives me insane. Do you think this feeling of disgust will pass?
- Looking my husband down in the mouth
Dear Looking,
I've actually received numerous letters concerning problems like yours recently. The whole "love but don't like" dilemma seems to be all the rage in 2008. What makes this trend interesting is that the problems people are having are never things that would be deal breakers, much less a cause to seek guidance from an unlicensed therapist. Growing too far apart is a natural process for at least 50% of married couples, while complaining about ridiculous things seems to affect more like 98% of married couples. Is your relationship really so good that the worst problem some people face is, "I can't stand the sound of my wife's voice"? Come on people! If your spouse had joined the Klan, or killed a neighbor and buried them under the potting shed, or loved the movie Sideways, you might have a argument worth making. As for the disgust, I'm wondering if it's not a little self loathing for feeling like you're a loser for falling out of like with this good man. The horrible truth is you don't need a good reason to fall out of like with someone. Unfortunately, without a big problem to work out, (i.e. Loving the Movie Sideways) it does make it harder to fix. So, I don't know if you'll ever get over the disgust. One thing that will definately help is to leave the room when your husband eats his cereal, and don't be in the bathroom when he flosses.
Sideways was a stupid movie,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Monday, August 25, 2008
Entrophy VS Order VS Morning Wood
Dear Jason-
I am having a problem with the universe. It doesn't seem to make sense. I am not whining that life is not fair or easy. Instead, I just don't see any logical grouping of circumstances that point towards order, reason or sense. Point in case (this is what is threatening to make me put my faith in entropy vs order)...How in the universe does it make sense to give me morning wood and morning breath at the same time? Can you provide me with proof that the universal plan is a good one, or should I just know that sooner or later everything will go to shit?
-Sensless in Seatle
Dear Senseless,
My unlicensed opinion on the universe and the meaning of life and all related matters is that I have know idea how or why anything works the way it does. This not only includes why we're here, but also includes math, electricity, electronics, how to get stains out of things and why I feel the need to make others uncomfortable through the abuse of "personal space". Here's a link to a website that asks and answers some great questions about "pre-meaning of life" assumptions. I know this answer seems like I'm passing the buck on helping people out who are having the what's-it-all-about dilemma, and I am, but to make up for it I will solve the morning wood/morning breath conundrum. This phenomena has it's root, if you will, in evolutionary biology. Millions of years ago, shortly after the Eden Epoch there was a mass extinction. Over three quarters of the worlds population (approximately 78 people) died of hunger and hunger related illnesses, namely starving. This happened because morning wood was accompanied not by the foul reek of filthy mouth, but by an oral musk not unlike Drakkar Noir. So instead of getting up and going to work, people just hung around having sex all morning, and then napped until lunch, when they would wake up again and have sex again then nap till dinner and have yet more sex. It was for this reason that the Drakkar Sneetches were kicked out of the gene pool and the hard working yuck mouth's took over the planet and spawned us utterly offensive, and hard working, folk.
Your stinky rock hard friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I am having a problem with the universe. It doesn't seem to make sense. I am not whining that life is not fair or easy. Instead, I just don't see any logical grouping of circumstances that point towards order, reason or sense. Point in case (this is what is threatening to make me put my faith in entropy vs order)...How in the universe does it make sense to give me morning wood and morning breath at the same time? Can you provide me with proof that the universal plan is a good one, or should I just know that sooner or later everything will go to shit?
-Sensless in Seatle
Dear Senseless,
My unlicensed opinion on the universe and the meaning of life and all related matters is that I have know idea how or why anything works the way it does. This not only includes why we're here, but also includes math, electricity, electronics, how to get stains out of things and why I feel the need to make others uncomfortable through the abuse of "personal space". Here's a link to a website that asks and answers some great questions about "pre-meaning of life" assumptions. I know this answer seems like I'm passing the buck on helping people out who are having the what's-it-all-about dilemma, and I am, but to make up for it I will solve the morning wood/morning breath conundrum. This phenomena has it's root, if you will, in evolutionary biology. Millions of years ago, shortly after the Eden Epoch there was a mass extinction. Over three quarters of the worlds population (approximately 78 people) died of hunger and hunger related illnesses, namely starving. This happened because morning wood was accompanied not by the foul reek of filthy mouth, but by an oral musk not unlike Drakkar Noir. So instead of getting up and going to work, people just hung around having sex all morning, and then napped until lunch, when they would wake up again and have sex again then nap till dinner and have yet more sex. It was for this reason that the Drakkar Sneetches were kicked out of the gene pool and the hard working yuck mouth's took over the planet and spawned us utterly offensive, and hard working, folk.
Your stinky rock hard friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Those Kids and Their Pornography
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I worry about my kid getting into pornography.
-Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned,
The wording of your email could be taken two different ways, so I will attempt to answer both of them.
Possibility #1
You're worried about your kid viewing pornography.
I really wouldn't worry about your kid seeing pornography unless you're one of the 99% of American families who have access to the internet. If your family does have access to the internet/worlds largest collection of porn, then they have probably already seen some weird and crazy stuff that has completely distorted their perception of healthy sexual relationships. This kind of influence can be really dangerous and destructive since children aren't equipped to process this information as anything but sexual education. Check out theporntalk.com for some great information on how to talk to kids of all ages about the dangers of viewing pornography.
Possibility #2
you're worried about your kid becoming a porn actor.
(Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is not a laughing matter and that it destroys peoples lives. And yes, I am a bad person and will probably go to hell for making jokes about it.)
If the kid you're referring to is under 18, the chances of him or her getting a job in the porn industry are very slight. Even less so if their weird uncle lives out of state. Pornography, internet or otherwise, it totally illegal for kids to get into and you need to let your kid know this, because that's the kind of thing that could go on their permanent record. Once they turn 18 and enter the "barely legal" demographic, it's a whole different ball game. As a responsible parent it's your job to steer them away from this kind of career. This may be difficult since the media makes it all seem so glamorous, but no one said this parenting stuff would be easy. Let your barely legal teen know that there are many great and rewarding jobs that don't require any special skills or involve taking their clothes off for money, like: line cook at a fast food restaurant, cashier at a fast food restaurant, or person who power washes the parking lot at a fast food restaurant. If they've still got their little hearts set on a career in adult entertainment, try and steer them into some kind of niche porn that doesn't involve them doing anything sex related, like the German "porn" where girls just get expensive cars stuck in the mud. Or the Japanese "porn" where girls in high heels crush model trains.
Your online friend in a not nasty way,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I worry about my kid getting into pornography.
-Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned,
The wording of your email could be taken two different ways, so I will attempt to answer both of them.
Possibility #1
You're worried about your kid viewing pornography.
I really wouldn't worry about your kid seeing pornography unless you're one of the 99% of American families who have access to the internet. If your family does have access to the internet/worlds largest collection of porn, then they have probably already seen some weird and crazy stuff that has completely distorted their perception of healthy sexual relationships. This kind of influence can be really dangerous and destructive since children aren't equipped to process this information as anything but sexual education. Check out theporntalk.com for some great information on how to talk to kids of all ages about the dangers of viewing pornography.
Possibility #2
you're worried about your kid becoming a porn actor.
(Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is not a laughing matter and that it destroys peoples lives. And yes, I am a bad person and will probably go to hell for making jokes about it.)
If the kid you're referring to is under 18, the chances of him or her getting a job in the porn industry are very slight. Even less so if their weird uncle lives out of state. Pornography, internet or otherwise, it totally illegal for kids to get into and you need to let your kid know this, because that's the kind of thing that could go on their permanent record. Once they turn 18 and enter the "barely legal" demographic, it's a whole different ball game. As a responsible parent it's your job to steer them away from this kind of career. This may be difficult since the media makes it all seem so glamorous, but no one said this parenting stuff would be easy. Let your barely legal teen know that there are many great and rewarding jobs that don't require any special skills or involve taking their clothes off for money, like: line cook at a fast food restaurant, cashier at a fast food restaurant, or person who power washes the parking lot at a fast food restaurant. If they've still got their little hearts set on a career in adult entertainment, try and steer them into some kind of niche porn that doesn't involve them doing anything sex related, like the German "porn" where girls just get expensive cars stuck in the mud. Or the Japanese "porn" where girls in high heels crush model trains.
Your online friend in a not nasty way,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Not Your Typical Fire Fighter
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I love all people earnestly. I reach out to my fellow humans and believe that we are all one--that we share a common spirit. I care about people. That said, I hate George W. Bush with a violent, virulent hatred. If that man was on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put out the flames. I want to see him tortured by Jihadists in a Muslim prison. I don't believe this is a contradiction, because I don't consider him to be human. But my other (licensed) therapist says this might be a problem. What does the unlicensed therapy community think?
-Mad as Heck
Dear Mad
The degree to which that kind of anger is acceptable depends on what you do with it. If you use that acid in your veins to get politically motivated and create change, that's fine. But if you're one of those people whose anger inspires you to make horribly obvious and derivative "agitprop" graphics for your myspace, or bore your friends and coworkers with your, oft repeated never realized, plans to move to Canada, or to seduce co-eds from the nearest college Young Republicans group for the express purpose of giving them the raging case of herpes you got at burning man last year, then you might be taking your hate for the president a little too far. Just remember; hate invalidates. And once you have invalidated your own beliefs and opinions, you will have just about as much credibility as the president now enjoys. One more thing for you to think about; everyone looks the same on fire. You could mistakenly watch and cheer, with a full bladder, as your mother burns because you assumed she was the president aflame. I think your mother deserves better than that, don't you?
Your friend on the internet,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I love all people earnestly. I reach out to my fellow humans and believe that we are all one--that we share a common spirit. I care about people. That said, I hate George W. Bush with a violent, virulent hatred. If that man was on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put out the flames. I want to see him tortured by Jihadists in a Muslim prison. I don't believe this is a contradiction, because I don't consider him to be human. But my other (licensed) therapist says this might be a problem. What does the unlicensed therapy community think?
-Mad as Heck
Dear Mad
The degree to which that kind of anger is acceptable depends on what you do with it. If you use that acid in your veins to get politically motivated and create change, that's fine. But if you're one of those people whose anger inspires you to make horribly obvious and derivative "agitprop" graphics for your myspace, or bore your friends and coworkers with your, oft repeated never realized, plans to move to Canada, or to seduce co-eds from the nearest college Young Republicans group for the express purpose of giving them the raging case of herpes you got at burning man last year, then you might be taking your hate for the president a little too far. Just remember; hate invalidates. And once you have invalidated your own beliefs and opinions, you will have just about as much credibility as the president now enjoys. One more thing for you to think about; everyone looks the same on fire. You could mistakenly watch and cheer, with a full bladder, as your mother burns because you assumed she was the president aflame. I think your mother deserves better than that, don't you?
Your friend on the internet,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
In the future, my wife's gonna be HOT!
Your most recent therapy session reminded me of one of the modern axioms: Boob Jobs are hot. And by now, seem to be totally safe. They might even be affordable in the near future. How can I a)convince my wife to get one; and b)fund the procedure without breaking the bank?
-Better living through (cheap) surgery
Dear Better,
The most surefire way to talk your wife into unnecessary surgery, and the risks that accompany it, is to carefully and systematically destroy her self esteem, with a focus on the chest area. First begin to chisel away at her positive body image by pretending to be spooked every time you see her with her shirt off. As time goes on, begin to exaggerate the level of spookedness climaxing in a jump accompanied by a little scream. Next, make a habit of letting out a sorrow-filled heavy exhale whenever you touch her breasts. It should convey a sense of loss and debilitating sadness stopping just short of tears. Once this has begun to work it's magic, let yourself get caught starring at her chest. When she sees you, glance at her eyes and look away saying something like, "Wow. We are really getting old, aren't we?" Feel free to kick it up a notch by talking about how hot girls with fake boobs are. Once she begins to wear sweaters in August, you've got her right where you want her. Start clipping out adds for breast augmentation from your local newspaper and discretely leave them tucked into her personal possessions: books, car sun visor, bra. When she comes to you broken and ruined, you step in and save the day, and probably her life as well, by offering her the best rack a credit card can buy.
Your Friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
-Better living through (cheap) surgery
Dear Better,
The most surefire way to talk your wife into unnecessary surgery, and the risks that accompany it, is to carefully and systematically destroy her self esteem, with a focus on the chest area. First begin to chisel away at her positive body image by pretending to be spooked every time you see her with her shirt off. As time goes on, begin to exaggerate the level of spookedness climaxing in a jump accompanied by a little scream. Next, make a habit of letting out a sorrow-filled heavy exhale whenever you touch her breasts. It should convey a sense of loss and debilitating sadness stopping just short of tears. Once this has begun to work it's magic, let yourself get caught starring at her chest. When she sees you, glance at her eyes and look away saying something like, "Wow. We are really getting old, aren't we?" Feel free to kick it up a notch by talking about how hot girls with fake boobs are. Once she begins to wear sweaters in August, you've got her right where you want her. Start clipping out adds for breast augmentation from your local newspaper and discretely leave them tucked into her personal possessions: books, car sun visor, bra. When she comes to you broken and ruined, you step in and save the day, and probably her life as well, by offering her the best rack a credit card can buy.
Your Friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Who Doesn't Love Banana Slugs
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
A few years ago, one of my best friends got married. The ceremony was held at a little church on the north coast of CA. The reception was at a private campsite. There was a dinning hall, a dance hall and cabins scattered throughout the redwoods. It reeked of natural beauty. There were some people there who did not appreciate the natural beauty of some of the nature around us. Giant banana slugs could be found almost anywhere. My son was photographed licking a banana slug. I did not get the photo with my own camera. Now, when I ask my friend if he has the photo, he gets defensive. He thought the banana slug photos were a "comment" on the reception. I think some stuffy family members may have said something. The truth is the reception was one of the best I have ever been to! All of my friends had a great time. I say F@$& the family! I need to get a photo of my son licking a banan slug! Do you know where I can get such a picture? And, no, I am not a NAMBLA member. And, no, "licking a banan slug" is not slang for something obscene.
Please help,
Slugless in Seatle
Dear Slugless,
Your letter indicates a major misconception of the average internet user and a major shortcoming of the internet itself; If the photo is not of a naked woman, you will never find it. To prove this point, I entered your entire letter into a google image search and came up with the following images:
But when I typed "naked boobs" into the middle of the letter I got way different response:
Obviously this was not the kind of photo I was expecting, maybe I'll try erasing everything except "naked boobs" and see if that gets me anything.
I can't believe this. Someone broke the internet. I bet the ghost of Jerry Falwell got in the damn internet and killed all the porn. This is a dark day indeed...never mind, the wife put the safe search on. Oh thank God, we have been delivered! Either way, here's some kids licking banana slugs photos google gave me, hope these kids are yours cause I've got better things to be looking up now.
Your master googler,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
A few years ago, one of my best friends got married. The ceremony was held at a little church on the north coast of CA. The reception was at a private campsite. There was a dinning hall, a dance hall and cabins scattered throughout the redwoods. It reeked of natural beauty. There were some people there who did not appreciate the natural beauty of some of the nature around us. Giant banana slugs could be found almost anywhere. My son was photographed licking a banana slug. I did not get the photo with my own camera. Now, when I ask my friend if he has the photo, he gets defensive. He thought the banana slug photos were a "comment" on the reception. I think some stuffy family members may have said something. The truth is the reception was one of the best I have ever been to! All of my friends had a great time. I say F@$& the family! I need to get a photo of my son licking a banan slug! Do you know where I can get such a picture? And, no, I am not a NAMBLA member. And, no, "licking a banan slug" is not slang for something obscene.
Please help,
Slugless in Seatle
Dear Slugless,
Your letter indicates a major misconception of the average internet user and a major shortcoming of the internet itself; If the photo is not of a naked woman, you will never find it. To prove this point, I entered your entire letter into a google image search and came up with the following images:
But when I typed "naked boobs" into the middle of the letter I got way different response:
Obviously this was not the kind of photo I was expecting, maybe I'll try erasing everything except "naked boobs" and see if that gets me anything.
I can't believe this. Someone broke the internet. I bet the ghost of Jerry Falwell got in the damn internet and killed all the porn. This is a dark day indeed...never mind, the wife put the safe search on. Oh thank God, we have been delivered! Either way, here's some kids licking banana slugs photos google gave me, hope these kids are yours cause I've got better things to be looking up now.Your master googler,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I Hate the Eagles
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
My significant other likes stupid stuff. Like inane pulpy movies and classic rock. Is it petty if this really REALLY bothers me?
sincerely,
I Hate the Eagles and Movies Based on Jane Austen Books
Dear I Hate,
Hatred for stuff your spouse likes is good for America. Everything you can't stand about this woman is a an economic boon for the following reasons:
1. Your spouse has to keep re-buying the lame crap you keep throwing away.
2. Therapist's fees are taxable.
3. Therapist's have A LOT of disposable income from overcharging people and they are made to pay taxes on those monies.
4. Divorce forces both parties to buy a new house, new appliances, and the love of their children.
From a financial perspective, in this bull market, I say let that pretty hate machine rev up. The sooner you get fed up enough to leave this uncultured mule the better. For all of us. Leaving your wife might be the single most important thing you can do to make the world a better place. Bear this in mind though, "The Eagles Greatest Hits Vol I" has sold 29 Million copies. That's two million more than "Thriller" and 22 million more than Hall and Oats "Rock and Soul - Part One." And just for information's sake, that's not a platinum album, that's diamond baby. No, I didn't just make that up, it's for true. Here's what the diamond award looks like:
Which oddly enough reminds me of this
great LPGA golf trophy: Which makes me wish I could find a picture of Kenny G accepting his Diamond award for "Breathless." Bottom line? The odds are good that your next wife will also be able to whistle Hotel California if not sing all the lyrics. So best to just quit whining like a shameless baby and learn to love your wife for something other than her taste in music and movies.
Good luck with that,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
My significant other likes stupid stuff. Like inane pulpy movies and classic rock. Is it petty if this really REALLY bothers me?
sincerely,
I Hate the Eagles and Movies Based on Jane Austen Books
Dear I Hate,
Hatred for stuff your spouse likes is good for America. Everything you can't stand about this woman is a an economic boon for the following reasons:
1. Your spouse has to keep re-buying the lame crap you keep throwing away.
2. Therapist's fees are taxable.
3. Therapist's have A LOT of disposable income from overcharging people and they are made to pay taxes on those monies.
4. Divorce forces both parties to buy a new house, new appliances, and the love of their children.
From a financial perspective, in this bull market, I say let that pretty hate machine rev up. The sooner you get fed up enough to leave this uncultured mule the better. For all of us. Leaving your wife might be the single most important thing you can do to make the world a better place. Bear this in mind though, "The Eagles Greatest Hits Vol I" has sold 29 Million copies. That's two million more than "Thriller" and 22 million more than Hall and Oats "Rock and Soul - Part One." And just for information's sake, that's not a platinum album, that's diamond baby. No, I didn't just make that up, it's for true. Here's what the diamond award looks like:
Which oddly enough reminds me of this
great LPGA golf trophy: Which makes me wish I could find a picture of Kenny G accepting his Diamond award for "Breathless." Bottom line? The odds are good that your next wife will also be able to whistle Hotel California if not sing all the lyrics. So best to just quit whining like a shameless baby and learn to love your wife for something other than her taste in music and movies.
Good luck with that,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Penis+ Motorcycle = Big Penis
Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
I have a huge motorcycle in my living room. Am I trying to compensate for things that might not be huge in my life? Like in my pants? Like my penis for example?
-Motorcycle Dependant
Dear Motorcycle,
While I'm not technically a sex therapist, I do occasionally dabble in the "Dark Sex Arts." According to Anton Szandor LaVey, "A man who dabbles in motorsports is looking for a distraction from the ever present spectre of death."
While this is true, I can't help but think that a man who keeps a motorcycle in his room is doing more than dabbling. Unfortunately, since Anton is no longer with us, I can't really ask him. My first instinct is to go with the compensation theory because it's so easy, but I'm not sure it's the best unlicensed opinion since even Freud said, "sometimes a big ass motorcycle is just a big ass motorcycle." The most important issue here though, is not whether you are trying to offset your remarkably small penis, but if it's working. Do girls really fall for it? If the answer is no, I would suggest putting the motorcycle into storage and purchasing a large (at least 10x) magnifying glass to attach at a 45 degree angle at the bottom of your belt buckle. I know employing an optical illusion to trick girls into thinking you've got the goods might seem like cheating, but it's not unless you plan to marry them. But let's face it, you undersized guys rarely tie the knot. If the answer is yes, please post information as to the make and model of the motorcycle so that we can all follow your lead.
Your Friend on the Internet,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a huge motorcycle in my living room. Am I trying to compensate for things that might not be huge in my life? Like in my pants? Like my penis for example?
-Motorcycle Dependant
Dear Motorcycle,
While I'm not technically a sex therapist, I do occasionally dabble in the "Dark Sex Arts." According to Anton Szandor LaVey, "A man who dabbles in motorsports is looking for a distraction from the ever present spectre of death."
While this is true, I can't help but think that a man who keeps a motorcycle in his room is doing more than dabbling. Unfortunately, since Anton is no longer with us, I can't really ask him. My first instinct is to go with the compensation theory because it's so easy, but I'm not sure it's the best unlicensed opinion since even Freud said, "sometimes a big ass motorcycle is just a big ass motorcycle." The most important issue here though, is not whether you are trying to offset your remarkably small penis, but if it's working. Do girls really fall for it? If the answer is no, I would suggest putting the motorcycle into storage and purchasing a large (at least 10x) magnifying glass to attach at a 45 degree angle at the bottom of your belt buckle. I know employing an optical illusion to trick girls into thinking you've got the goods might seem like cheating, but it's not unless you plan to marry them. But let's face it, you undersized guys rarely tie the knot. If the answer is yes, please post information as to the make and model of the motorcycle so that we can all follow your lead.Your Friend on the Internet,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Drama Therapy
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
What's with all the dead air? It's been many days since your last post and I am growing impatient because there's nothing new on the internet.
Sincerely,
Bored
Dear Bored,
I'm sorry it's been taking me so long between posts. I've just been too busy to help people. Even though that's not what all the hurting people in the world who depend on my great advice need to hear at a time like this, (especially with all these wildfires burning to show God's displeasure with California over this whole gay marriage thing) it's the truth. Lest you think I'm wasting time working on being a good father and husband, let me assure you I have been spending every evening away from home with another woman. Her name is Kate, and the two of us have been working on a new sketch comedy show:
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
(*I totally lied, which is not unethical since I don't have a license)
What's with all the dead air? It's been many days since your last post and I am growing impatient because there's nothing new on the internet.
Sincerely,
Bored
Dear Bored,
I'm sorry it's been taking me so long between posts. I've just been too busy to help people. Even though that's not what all the hurting people in the world who depend on my great advice need to hear at a time like this, (especially with all these wildfires burning to show God's displeasure with California over this whole gay marriage thing) it's the truth. Lest you think I'm wasting time working on being a good father and husband, let me assure you I have been spending every evening away from home with another woman. Her name is Kate, and the two of us have been working on a new sketch comedy show:
If you live in the greater Sacramento area and are looking for some not free (as in $12 a ticket) advice in the form of group drama therapy, drop by the Geery Theater this weekend. Laughs are guaranteed* and since that's the best over the counter medicine you can rest assured you'll feel better after attending. For more info check out here and here. And if you really think there's nothing new to see on the internet, you haven't seen this.
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
(*I totally lied, which is not unethical since I don't have a license)
Monday, June 9, 2008
I'm a Winner!
Thank you to everyone who voted for their favorite Unlicensed Therapist. As you can see, I really tore "Dr." Phil and "Dr." Laura a couple of new ones.
Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart, you have validated my existence on the internet and beyond.
Love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart, you have validated my existence on the internet and beyond.Love,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Damn These Ears!
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
What can one do when the sound of a loved one's voice is grating and unpleasant? The obvious answer is if you love someone, you aren't really concerned with the timbre of their voice. I really love this person, but the sound of their voice is like Freddy Krueger's glove on a chalk board. Am I being petty? Help!
--unnerved by tonality
Dear Unnerved,
Relationships are tough enough, but when the timbre of a loved one's voice saying "I love you" is near unbearable, it just might be time to end the relationship. I don't usually advocate for break-ups, but this time I'll make an exception, because I have a hard time believing that anyone who would be using the analogy, "like Freddy Krueger's glove on a chalk board" deserves to have love in their life. Come on Unnerved, Nightmare on Elm Street came out twenty four years ago. I'm sure you could have come up with something more current and imaginative if you had just taken the time. It's that lack of caring that makes you an unresponsive and dull lover as well. That's conjecture of course, but since I have only five sentences and a fragment to draw my conclusions from it doesn't leave me with any other possibilities. Okay, maybe there's another, but it has to do with your own personal perceptions of what is grating and unpleasant. You currently see Freddy Krueger scraping his claw thingie on a chalk board as a negative. I think you can change that event into a positive with the following image:
MEOW!!!!! How's that voice sounding with Sexy Freddy on the brain? Forget about being petty, it's time to party. And remember, it's not really cheating if you're thinking of some horror beauty while you're making time with your sweetie, unless she finds out.
Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
What can one do when the sound of a loved one's voice is grating and unpleasant? The obvious answer is if you love someone, you aren't really concerned with the timbre of their voice. I really love this person, but the sound of their voice is like Freddy Krueger's glove on a chalk board. Am I being petty? Help!
--unnerved by tonality
Dear Unnerved,
Relationships are tough enough, but when the timbre of a loved one's voice saying "I love you" is near unbearable, it just might be time to end the relationship. I don't usually advocate for break-ups, but this time I'll make an exception, because I have a hard time believing that anyone who would be using the analogy, "like Freddy Krueger's glove on a chalk board" deserves to have love in their life. Come on Unnerved, Nightmare on Elm Street came out twenty four years ago. I'm sure you could have come up with something more current and imaginative if you had just taken the time. It's that lack of caring that makes you an unresponsive and dull lover as well. That's conjecture of course, but since I have only five sentences and a fragment to draw my conclusions from it doesn't leave me with any other possibilities. Okay, maybe there's another, but it has to do with your own personal perceptions of what is grating and unpleasant. You currently see Freddy Krueger scraping his claw thingie on a chalk board as a negative. I think you can change that event into a positive with the following image:
MEOW!!!!! How's that voice sounding with Sexy Freddy on the brain? Forget about being petty, it's time to party. And remember, it's not really cheating if you're thinking of some horror beauty while you're making time with your sweetie, unless she finds out.
Your friend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Saturday, May 31, 2008
After reading your column for a few weeks now, I am detecting a bit of a pattern. The "selected" entries all seem a little far-fetched and silly. Pretty out there. I have a theory that, in fact, YOU, Mr. Unlicensed Therapist Man, are making up your own problems so that you can then wax poetic on your contrived material. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE reading this stuff and I really do not care whether it is fact or fiction, I just want to put it out there and see if maybe you take the bait and I get a response.
-Doubting Thomasina
Dear Doubting,
Consider the bait taken. While I can not speak as to the factual or fictional nature of the letters I receive, I can assure you that I do not write them. Unlike many of my contemporaries (Prudence, Dan Savage, those two women who kind of pretend to be Ann Landers) I find the idea of writing letters to my own column not only distasteful but way too much work. I do however edit the letters I get for clarity. To give an idea as to what this entails, I will reprint the letter above in it's original form with notations concerning my edits.
After reading your column for a few weeks now, I am detecting a bit of a pattern. The "selected" entries all seem a little far-fetched and silly, not unlike a rhino in a wedding dress whose dance card has been retrieved from the bottom of the punch bowl at the end of the night to reveal the sad fact that it was as empty and barren as the romantic prospects that lie ahead for our dear horny friend. As a rule I always chop out the lengthy metaphorical ramblings. This one almost made it through because she used the phrase "dance card" but "a rhino in a wedding dress" was not unlike something written by a second grader.
I have a theory that, in fact, YOU, Mr. Unlicensed Therapist Man, are making up your own problems so that you can then wax poetic on your contrived material. Don't get me wrong, I love... I decided to put "love" in caps just to add a little umph.
...reading your brilliant musings on our collective mortal coil, which add a measure of validity, vitality, and soulfulness to the wasteland that is today's internet landscape. Thought this was laying it on a bit thick and might lead people to think that I author my own letters, so I simplified it to "reading this stuff"
and I really do not care whether it is fact or fiction, I just want to put it out there and see if maybe you take the bait and I get a response. If you'd rather not reply on this public blog, cruise on over to my private site (link disabled due to mediocre boudoir photos) and see if there's not something there that might get a response out of you! I don't know what it is about handsome intelligent guys like you that make me want to turn my web cam on and put on a little show just for you. And if you're down to meet up and... The rest of the letter described in disturbing detail just what she wanted to do with me if she ever got lucky enough to find me tied up with electrical tape inside an abandoned refridgerator. Since my wife reads this occasionally, I thought it would be best to just leave that part off.
I hope this is proof enough for you. And seriously, put a little more effort into your "sexy" photos and you're sure to find the man of your dreams. For starters, don't use the camera flash, and don't hold the camera while you snap the picture, set it on your bureau and use the auto timer function. Take more soon, send them too me, and I will provide more feedback, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
Always here to help,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
-Doubting Thomasina
Dear Doubting,
Consider the bait taken. While I can not speak as to the factual or fictional nature of the letters I receive, I can assure you that I do not write them. Unlike many of my contemporaries (Prudence, Dan Savage, those two women who kind of pretend to be Ann Landers) I find the idea of writing letters to my own column not only distasteful but way too much work. I do however edit the letters I get for clarity. To give an idea as to what this entails, I will reprint the letter above in it's original form with notations concerning my edits.
After reading your column for a few weeks now, I am detecting a bit of a pattern. The "selected" entries all seem a little far-fetched and silly, not unlike a rhino in a wedding dress whose dance card has been retrieved from the bottom of the punch bowl at the end of the night to reveal the sad fact that it was as empty and barren as the romantic prospects that lie ahead for our dear horny friend. As a rule I always chop out the lengthy metaphorical ramblings. This one almost made it through because she used the phrase "dance card" but "a rhino in a wedding dress" was not unlike something written by a second grader.
I have a theory that, in fact, YOU, Mr. Unlicensed Therapist Man, are making up your own problems so that you can then wax poetic on your contrived material. Don't get me wrong, I love... I decided to put "love" in caps just to add a little umph.
...reading your brilliant musings on our collective mortal coil, which add a measure of validity, vitality, and soulfulness to the wasteland that is today's internet landscape. Thought this was laying it on a bit thick and might lead people to think that I author my own letters, so I simplified it to "reading this stuff"
and I really do not care whether it is fact or fiction, I just want to put it out there and see if maybe you take the bait and I get a response. If you'd rather not reply on this public blog, cruise on over to my private site (link disabled due to mediocre boudoir photos) and see if there's not something there that might get a response out of you! I don't know what it is about handsome intelligent guys like you that make me want to turn my web cam on and put on a little show just for you. And if you're down to meet up and... The rest of the letter described in disturbing detail just what she wanted to do with me if she ever got lucky enough to find me tied up with electrical tape inside an abandoned refridgerator. Since my wife reads this occasionally, I thought it would be best to just leave that part off.
I hope this is proof enough for you. And seriously, put a little more effort into your "sexy" photos and you're sure to find the man of your dreams. For starters, don't use the camera flash, and don't hold the camera while you snap the picture, set it on your bureau and use the auto timer function. Take more soon, send them too me, and I will provide more feedback, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
Always here to help,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Wisdom for the Weekend #3
Get Smarter.
There's nothing in the world that will make you more appealing to prospective employers, members of the opposite sex, and advice columnists at large that gettin' y'alls learn on. I know what you're thinking, you don't have time to go back to school, you're already working two jobs to support your family, or you're spending every free moment helping disadvantaged youths in your community, or you just cant stop until you give all the hookers on Grand Theft Auto IV a proper beat down. All valid points. But Steve Jobs is looking to help you, and who can say no to Mac Steveie?
Itunes has a new section on their site called itunes University and it's chock full of free lecture podcasts from all the heavy hitters in the American higher education system. I just listened to a great lecture from MIT entitled Remixing Shakespeare and learned all about the long and storied history of augmenting Shakespeare's works, as well as the short and storied contemporary history of people bending the Bard's texts to their will. Now if I were an MIT student, that lecture would have cost me a wad of cash. Since I got it free online I can divert that cash into plying a woman with alcohol whilst spouting some seriously brainy shit and BANG, guess who's getting busy tonight? Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist, that's who! And you can to my friends. So go download a lecture this afternoon and give it a listen while you're doing the dishes.
Have a great weekend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
There's nothing in the world that will make you more appealing to prospective employers, members of the opposite sex, and advice columnists at large that gettin' y'alls learn on. I know what you're thinking, you don't have time to go back to school, you're already working two jobs to support your family, or you're spending every free moment helping disadvantaged youths in your community, or you just cant stop until you give all the hookers on Grand Theft Auto IV a proper beat down. All valid points. But Steve Jobs is looking to help you, and who can say no to Mac Steveie?
Itunes has a new section on their site called itunes University and it's chock full of free lecture podcasts from all the heavy hitters in the American higher education system. I just listened to a great lecture from MIT entitled Remixing Shakespeare and learned all about the long and storied history of augmenting Shakespeare's works, as well as the short and storied contemporary history of people bending the Bard's texts to their will. Now if I were an MIT student, that lecture would have cost me a wad of cash. Since I got it free online I can divert that cash into plying a woman with alcohol whilst spouting some seriously brainy shit and BANG, guess who's getting busy tonight? Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist, that's who! And you can to my friends. So go download a lecture this afternoon and give it a listen while you're doing the dishes.
Have a great weekend,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Monday, May 26, 2008
Ted Danson and Alec Baldwin
Dear Jason Adair The Unlicensed Therapist,
I think we should enforce statements made in public. Alec Baldwin and Barbara Streisand said they would leave the country if George Bush was elected again. Yet here they are. 400 years ago, Bush declared "Mission Accomplished," yet there we are. Twenty years ago, Ted Danson said the earth would die in six years if we didn't clean up the oceans. Yet here we are. Either we should have legal ramifications for public statements made by dumb-ass celebrities and politicians or they should all shut their damn mouths.
-Stop Hellish Harangues
Dear stop,
First off, let me say it's rare that I get letters from a real live octogenarian, and that I really appreciate you took the time to figure out how the internet works so that you could send me your crazy ass ramblings. I gotta ask you though, is the world really so great that the only thing you can think of to complain about to an unlicensed therapist is MF-ing Ted Danson? Really? As if they guy doesn't have it bad enough with the hair plugs, TV specials on the Oxygen network, and stuff like this in his recent past:
So what do you say we give old Ted a rest and take a closer look at your own harangues. After closely examining your letter I can only conclude that for someone who's part of "the Greatest Generation" you are a huge puss. Not only that, you're also an enemy of freedom my friend. Your comments make it seem like you want to strike down freedom of speech and freedom of the press with your palsied, little, liver spot covered, mitts. And believe me, I'd love to tell every damn fool who goes around spouting nonsense that he didn't have the right. But he does. That's just one of the million things about this country that makes it such a kick ass place to live. So kick ass in fact that even the people who claim to hate everything about it would never really dream of leaving, because regardless of all the stupid laws, and annoying celebrities, and starving children, and the fact that you can't get a decent Monte Cristo sandwich anymore, The United States of America is the inventor and owner/operator of the straight up wildest SPRING BREAK parties ever!!!!!!
Sincerely,
-Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist.
I think we should enforce statements made in public. Alec Baldwin and Barbara Streisand said they would leave the country if George Bush was elected again. Yet here they are. 400 years ago, Bush declared "Mission Accomplished," yet there we are. Twenty years ago, Ted Danson said the earth would die in six years if we didn't clean up the oceans. Yet here we are. Either we should have legal ramifications for public statements made by dumb-ass celebrities and politicians or they should all shut their damn mouths.
-Stop Hellish Harangues
Dear stop,
First off, let me say it's rare that I get letters from a real live octogenarian, and that I really appreciate you took the time to figure out how the internet works so that you could send me your crazy ass ramblings. I gotta ask you though, is the world really so great that the only thing you can think of to complain about to an unlicensed therapist is MF-ing Ted Danson? Really? As if they guy doesn't have it bad enough with the hair plugs, TV specials on the Oxygen network, and stuff like this in his recent past:
So what do you say we give old Ted a rest and take a closer look at your own harangues. After closely examining your letter I can only conclude that for someone who's part of "the Greatest Generation" you are a huge puss. Not only that, you're also an enemy of freedom my friend. Your comments make it seem like you want to strike down freedom of speech and freedom of the press with your palsied, little, liver spot covered, mitts. And believe me, I'd love to tell every damn fool who goes around spouting nonsense that he didn't have the right. But he does. That's just one of the million things about this country that makes it such a kick ass place to live. So kick ass in fact that even the people who claim to hate everything about it would never really dream of leaving, because regardless of all the stupid laws, and annoying celebrities, and starving children, and the fact that you can't get a decent Monte Cristo sandwich anymore, The United States of America is the inventor and owner/operator of the straight up wildest SPRING BREAK parties ever!!!!!!
Sincerely,
-Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Wisdom for the Weekend #2
Throw a great party.
"There's nothing more better for mine own mental health that the throwing of a great party."
-Sigmund Freud
Freud loved nothing more than a get together with his friends. Unfortunately, a lot of people see hosting a party as a huge chore, with all the cleaning, and making invites, and having to be friendly. And if you want to have a dinner party, that takes some serious preparation that the average human is not capable, or willing, to to do. Well, what if I told you there was a way to have a great dinner party without: cleaning your house, cooking a meal, cleaning your house afterward, or dealing with that awkward thing that happens when your friends cant take the hint that it's time to go home. Would you believe me?
Allow me to introduce you to the No Host, Fancy Dress, Ikea, Dinner Party.
All you have to do is tell your friends to dress up, meet you at Ikea for dinner, sneak in some games, and the party will take care of its self!
Your friends will find the idea so intriguing that they won't even mind paying for their own dinner!
After dinner, find a cozy room or two and let the games begin!
So get out there and throw a memorable party for your friends.
For further illustration on just how amazing a No Host Fancy Dress IKEA Dinner Party can be, please consult party attendee and "national treasure" Rob Cockerham
"There's nothing more better for mine own mental health that the throwing of a great party."
-Sigmund Freud
Freud loved nothing more than a get together with his friends. Unfortunately, a lot of people see hosting a party as a huge chore, with all the cleaning, and making invites, and having to be friendly. And if you want to have a dinner party, that takes some serious preparation that the average human is not capable, or willing, to to do. Well, what if I told you there was a way to have a great dinner party without: cleaning your house, cooking a meal, cleaning your house afterward, or dealing with that awkward thing that happens when your friends cant take the hint that it's time to go home. Would you believe me?
Allow me to introduce you to the No Host, Fancy Dress, Ikea, Dinner Party.
All you have to do is tell your friends to dress up, meet you at Ikea for dinner, sneak in some games, and the party will take care of its self!
Your friends will find the idea so intriguing that they won't even mind paying for their own dinner!
After dinner, find a cozy room or two and let the games begin!
So get out there and throw a memorable party for your friends.
For further illustration on just how amazing a No Host Fancy Dress IKEA Dinner Party can be, please consult party attendee and "national treasure" Rob Cockerham
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The truth doesn't alwyas have to hurt
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
Where do you stand on total honesty? It seems to me some things are better left unsaid, if only to keep the peace.
-Keepin' it on the Down Low
Dear keeping,
Honesty has an amazing ability to work equally for good or evil. If one is honest with his opinions, he or she is more able to influence others and create the change they seek. But like most things in life, going at it from the wrong angle is going to make a worse mess than you started with. Take for example the truth that an acquaintance has bad breath. You can present this fact in about a million different ways. Saying "I just wanted to give you a heads up, you've got a little mouth stink going on, want some gum?" stands a better chance of clearing the air without hurting anyone's feelings, whereas "Christ! Did a cat shit in your mouth as you slept!?!" is going to hurt someone's feelings. Especially if they think eating cat shit is a bad thing. If you can't figure out a nice way to be honest it might be best to keep it to yourself or get someone who doesn't care about things like feelings to take care of it.
Another great property of honesty is its ability to transfer one person's feelings of guilt onto another's shoulders. I've used romantic relationship variables as this is where people most often transfer guilt.
I know that chart seems rather bleak, but since the inciting event was such a colosally bad decision, there's really no where to go but down. Thus avoiding step one is the only way to come out ahead. And let's be honest, your physics teacher really isn't that into you anyway.
As for total honesty, I don't think you could even find that in a laboratory setting.
Honestly trying to help,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Where do you stand on total honesty? It seems to me some things are better left unsaid, if only to keep the peace.
-Keepin' it on the Down Low
Dear keeping,
Honesty has an amazing ability to work equally for good or evil. If one is honest with his opinions, he or she is more able to influence others and create the change they seek. But like most things in life, going at it from the wrong angle is going to make a worse mess than you started with. Take for example the truth that an acquaintance has bad breath. You can present this fact in about a million different ways. Saying "I just wanted to give you a heads up, you've got a little mouth stink going on, want some gum?" stands a better chance of clearing the air without hurting anyone's feelings, whereas "Christ! Did a cat shit in your mouth as you slept!?!" is going to hurt someone's feelings. Especially if they think eating cat shit is a bad thing. If you can't figure out a nice way to be honest it might be best to keep it to yourself or get someone who doesn't care about things like feelings to take care of it.
Another great property of honesty is its ability to transfer one person's feelings of guilt onto another's shoulders. I've used romantic relationship variables as this is where people most often transfer guilt.
I know that chart seems rather bleak, but since the inciting event was such a colosally bad decision, there's really no where to go but down. Thus avoiding step one is the only way to come out ahead. And let's be honest, your physics teacher really isn't that into you anyway.
As for total honesty, I don't think you could even find that in a laboratory setting.
Honestly trying to help,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Please please me, and don't say ouch too loud, it spoils the moment
Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Thearapist,
I have a friend whose partner is not as sexually adventurous as he is. In fact, there are some acts to which she simply says NO and even guilt-trips him for wanting to do such things.
Doesn't a lover have a certain responsibility to please his/her partner, or at least be willing to try?
-Don't Say Don't
Dear Don't
I know this might seem totally unfair, but even after you're married NO still means NO. At the same time, guilt-tripping a person about their wants, especially ones that they perceive as needs, is an ugly and careless thing to do that usually comes from the wanter not being able to take NO for an answer. What's needed here is a little diplomacy. Your "friend" must change his tactics before he ends up in an inescapable quagmire of loathing, cruelty, and sexual dissatisfaction.
One way to do this is by improving diplomatic relations concerning sexual relations. He should approach his partner as a potential business partner he's trying to sell on a risky pyramid scheme. Lay out his needs and make a case as to why he should be allowed to proceed, and most importantly, what's in it for their partner. He should build a good case by doing his homework on the ins and outs of whatever freak nasty thing he wants to perpetrate on the person he cares deeply about. Do this to show them you've taken their fears and risks into account, which is a great way to build trust and confidence. Also, he needs to figure out how much he's willing to give in return to get what he wants.
I know all this sounds terribly unsexy, but I'm guessing the acts he wants to perpetrate on his partner are viewed in a similar way. Before going into these negotiations, he needs to figure out just how far he's willing to go to make this thing happen. Where is the line that can not be crossed? If the girl wants to soil a diaper and have him clean up the mess, is he still game? If she wants to watch him make out with another dude, would he still be down? If she wants him to take six months of square dancing lessons, is it worth it? Not knowing, and sticking to, your limits is how many good people end up paying $150 for an A-Team lunch box on ebay, whose arrival is accompanied by a sense of shame for spending that much money on a toy.
So tell your "friend" to get his business acumen on! But be warned, it's possible that whatever depraved thing your friend gets to do to his lady friend could simultaneously be everything he ever dreamed of and a living nightmare for her, one she will be unwilling to live through again. This begs the Smokey Robinson question: Is a little taste of honey worse than none at all? But if he's willing to risk potentially being doubly tormented for the rest of his life, then godspeed and good luck.
Your confidant,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I have a friend whose partner is not as sexually adventurous as he is. In fact, there are some acts to which she simply says NO and even guilt-trips him for wanting to do such things.
Doesn't a lover have a certain responsibility to please his/her partner, or at least be willing to try?
-Don't Say Don't
Dear Don't
I know this might seem totally unfair, but even after you're married NO still means NO. At the same time, guilt-tripping a person about their wants, especially ones that they perceive as needs, is an ugly and careless thing to do that usually comes from the wanter not being able to take NO for an answer. What's needed here is a little diplomacy. Your "friend" must change his tactics before he ends up in an inescapable quagmire of loathing, cruelty, and sexual dissatisfaction.
One way to do this is by improving diplomatic relations concerning sexual relations. He should approach his partner as a potential business partner he's trying to sell on a risky pyramid scheme. Lay out his needs and make a case as to why he should be allowed to proceed, and most importantly, what's in it for their partner. He should build a good case by doing his homework on the ins and outs of whatever freak nasty thing he wants to perpetrate on the person he cares deeply about. Do this to show them you've taken their fears and risks into account, which is a great way to build trust and confidence. Also, he needs to figure out how much he's willing to give in return to get what he wants.
I know all this sounds terribly unsexy, but I'm guessing the acts he wants to perpetrate on his partner are viewed in a similar way. Before going into these negotiations, he needs to figure out just how far he's willing to go to make this thing happen. Where is the line that can not be crossed? If the girl wants to soil a diaper and have him clean up the mess, is he still game? If she wants to watch him make out with another dude, would he still be down? If she wants him to take six months of square dancing lessons, is it worth it? Not knowing, and sticking to, your limits is how many good people end up paying $150 for an A-Team lunch box on ebay, whose arrival is accompanied by a sense of shame for spending that much money on a toy.
So tell your "friend" to get his business acumen on! But be warned, it's possible that whatever depraved thing your friend gets to do to his lady friend could simultaneously be everything he ever dreamed of and a living nightmare for her, one she will be unwilling to live through again. This begs the Smokey Robinson question: Is a little taste of honey worse than none at all? But if he's willing to risk potentially being doubly tormented for the rest of his life, then godspeed and good luck.
Your confidant,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Spanking the Advice Columnist
-Dear Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist,
I've always thought that people should have a "live and let live" mentality, but that seems to leave out nose-in-the-air advice givers and guilt ridden do-gooders who can't seem to let living a good life quietly helping people suffice.
On the other hand, in a world where it takes a village, and we're all one, and we must all join hands around the fire and make a big show out of how great we are because we reach out (and etc.), there might be a place for learning from other's problems (or, really, from the exploitation of other's problems).
Can you reconcile these poles of contradiction?
-Possibly Irreconcilable Differences
Dear Differences,
Thank you for bringing up one of the most confounding conundrums of human behavior; is there such a thing as a truly selfless act? The idea of helping people is really popular these days. (a quick google search for "helping people" yields 11,500,000 hits while "hurting people" only gets you 263,000. "Humping people" comes in last with a flaccid 12,700) The problem of trying to figure out whether the helper is helping because it's the right thing to do, or helping because they get satisfaction out of it is a knotty problem that even the cast of Friends needed a half hour to untangle. Fortunately for me, helping people is not what advice columns are really about.
The very idea that an advice column's primary concern is helping the person who posed the question is absurd, as helping one person does not really generate a lot of ad revenue. The real purpose is to make readers happy. This is done by giving the reader a glimpse into some one's life who is slightly more messed up than theirs, allowing the reader to feel better about their own slightly messed up lives. Another way they make people happy is by giving out really obvious advice. This allows the reader to pat themselves on the back for agreeing that the girl who's baby daddy has knocked up baby mama's mama and stolen baby mama's baby's college fund should be given the heave-ho. Lastly, these columns are used to sell advertising so that Dear Prudence's gentle readers can purchase teeth whiteners to compensate for low self-esteem and simultaneously fuel that economy.
Anyway, everybody who writes in with a problem is aware of three things: they know what the morally correct thing to do is, they know what the ethically correct thing to do is, and they know that regardless of what advice they get they're going to do whatever it is they decided to do before they even asked the question that they already knew the answer to. And if the advice they get back mirrors what already knew, they can give themselves the same pat on the back as the other readers.
Still Helping,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
I've always thought that people should have a "live and let live" mentality, but that seems to leave out nose-in-the-air advice givers and guilt ridden do-gooders who can't seem to let living a good life quietly helping people suffice.
On the other hand, in a world where it takes a village, and we're all one, and we must all join hands around the fire and make a big show out of how great we are because we reach out (and etc.), there might be a place for learning from other's problems (or, really, from the exploitation of other's problems).
Can you reconcile these poles of contradiction?
-Possibly Irreconcilable Differences
Dear Differences,
Thank you for bringing up one of the most confounding conundrums of human behavior; is there such a thing as a truly selfless act? The idea of helping people is really popular these days. (a quick google search for "helping people" yields 11,500,000 hits while "hurting people" only gets you 263,000. "Humping people" comes in last with a flaccid 12,700) The problem of trying to figure out whether the helper is helping because it's the right thing to do, or helping because they get satisfaction out of it is a knotty problem that even the cast of Friends needed a half hour to untangle. Fortunately for me, helping people is not what advice columns are really about.
The very idea that an advice column's primary concern is helping the person who posed the question is absurd, as helping one person does not really generate a lot of ad revenue. The real purpose is to make readers happy. This is done by giving the reader a glimpse into some one's life who is slightly more messed up than theirs, allowing the reader to feel better about their own slightly messed up lives. Another way they make people happy is by giving out really obvious advice. This allows the reader to pat themselves on the back for agreeing that the girl who's baby daddy has knocked up baby mama's mama and stolen baby mama's baby's college fund should be given the heave-ho. Lastly, these columns are used to sell advertising so that Dear Prudence's gentle readers can purchase teeth whiteners to compensate for low self-esteem and simultaneously fuel that economy.
Anyway, everybody who writes in with a problem is aware of three things: they know what the morally correct thing to do is, they know what the ethically correct thing to do is, and they know that regardless of what advice they get they're going to do whatever it is they decided to do before they even asked the question that they already knew the answer to. And if the advice they get back mirrors what already knew, they can give themselves the same pat on the back as the other readers.
Still Helping,
Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Haunted by Art
Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
I have, and have had all my life, artistic aspirations. Without being specific, I’ll admit to not pursuing them fully. Now they follow me in the dark. What would you say to someone who is haunted by a sense of failure vis-à-vis his dreams?
-Haunted by dreamsDear Haunted,
At first glance the solution seems easy. If you are indeed being haunted by your waking and sleeping selves, (licensed therapists call them your conscious and unconscious, but that's because they're big pretentious know-it-alls) it seems like your whiny do nothing self should just get out of your artistic self's way. Paint that painting! Pen that prose! Work out the kinks in your new break dancing routine! But not so fast. What if the "art" you want to create is to raise your two children to speak only Klingon? Or maybe you plan to eat a box of crayons and draw pictures with your poo, or kill kid's dogs while they watch, film their reaction, and post it on youtube? Does the world really need any more of that kind of art? I don't think it does. So in an effort to err on the side of caution, I'm going to advise you to leave your artistic pursuits in the closet. For the sake of the world at large, act like a grown up and suffer through your nightmares in solitude rather than potentially damaging the world. I know that sounds harsh, but ultimately it's what's best for the survival of the human race. If you feel like I've judged this situation in error, feel free to send me a sample of your art and I will be happy to reevaluate this post accordingly.
-Jason Adair the Unlicensed Therapist
Friday, May 2, 2008
Wisdom for the Weekend #1
I've decided to take the weekends off, but I don't want to leave my patients without something to get them through two whole da
ys without me.
This weekend, I'd like to give everyone the tools to do a rational assessment of a relationship in their life. This is so we can get past all that emotional baggage that keeps us from having an accurate sense of just what a person means to us and will therefore enable us to either realize if we are under or over-valuating said relationship and allow us to act accordingly. So, get out a piece of paper and a pen and we'll do a little cost benefit analysis with the relationship of your choice.
The relationship I chose is the one I have with our family dog, Sadie Dog. To be honest, I have a love/hate/don't like/bothered by relationship with Sadie. A lot of times I am angry at the fact that I have to deal with the dog, which I feel doesn't make any real contribution to the family. So, I set up a Pros and Cons list of my relationship with Sadie to get a statistically accurate portrait of our relationship.
The instructions for setting up this chart are these. You must have an equal number of positive and negative items on the list. Any number you choose is fine. When your list is finished, rate the importance of each item from 1 to 5 for the positives and -1 to -5 for the negatives. Add up the numbers.
Below is my Cost Benefit Analysis of my relationship with Sadie Dog:
The outcome of this was honestly a total surprise to me. A assumed that the cons column would lose by at least fifteen points and would give me the impetus to git rid of the dog while the family was at the store. I guess Sadie is a lot more cost effective than I thought. I guess it's the kind of thing where once you come to the conclusion that something is bad, you can get locked into that frame of mind, regardless of what the evidence really is.
ys without me.This weekend, I'd like to give everyone the tools to do a rational assessment of a relationship in their life. This is so we can get past all that emotional baggage that keeps us from having an accurate sense of just what a person means to us and will therefore enable us to either realize if we are under or over-valuating said relationship and allow us to act accordingly. So, get out a piece of paper and a pen and we'll do a little cost benefit analysis with the relationship of your choice.
The relationship I chose is the one I have with our family dog, Sadie Dog. To be honest, I have a love/hate/don't like/bothered by relationship with Sadie. A lot of times I am angry at the fact that I have to deal with the dog, which I feel doesn't make any real contribution to the family. So, I set up a Pros and Cons list of my relationship with Sadie to get a statistically accurate portrait of our relationship.
The instructions for setting up this chart are these. You must have an equal number of positive and negative items on the list. Any number you choose is fine. When your list is finished, rate the importance of each item from 1 to 5 for the positives and -1 to -5 for the negatives. Add up the numbers.
Below is my Cost Benefit Analysis of my relationship with Sadie Dog:
The outcome of this was honestly a total surprise to me. A assumed that the cons column would lose by at least fifteen points and would give me the impetus to git rid of the dog while the family was at the store. I guess Sadie is a lot more cost effective than I thought. I guess it's the kind of thing where once you come to the conclusion that something is bad, you can get locked into that frame of mind, regardless of what the evidence really is.
You have a good weekend, I'm'a go give my doggie a treat.
Jason Adair The Unlicensed Therapist
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Mom and Pop Moneybags
Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
How can I be sure that I wasn't abused as a kid and the the memories aren't just suppressed in my subconscious?
My parents are getting up in years and their bank accounts are advanced as well. If I am a victim, and I think I may be, I'd say I'm entitled to some compensation.
Please help!
-Crossing my Fingers
Dear Fingers,
Blaming your parents for all your problems is a completely normal and socially acceptable thing to do. Especially when those problems center on the fact that they have more money than you. Unfortunately, you're a couple years too late to hop on the old "suppressed memory" gravy train. Courts and Licensed therapists have been collectively viewing the credibility of this kind of evidence akin to a Michael Bay plot. Jurisprudence today however, is on a new witch hunch against "elder abuse" and if you get caught for trying to squeeze dollars out of your poor old folks you're going to be really screwed. You say they're getting older, so maybe all this situation really calls for is patience. But if you can't wait because you've got a big gambling debt, or your house is being foreclosed on, or you went halfsies on a small yacht and a Real Doll with with Charlie Sheen , then it might be time to take out a large insurance policy and fake your own death. You can forget about the rat race when you steal a hobo's corpse, dress it up in your clothes, sit it in your car, light the car on fire, roll it into a electrical substation, and CASH THAT CHECK! In order to get the check though you're going to need an accomplice. Make sure your accomplice is trustworthy and not another hobo - unless because of a head injury you accidentally confuse the beneficiary hobo with the burned up in the car hobo! The camera starts close up on the cover of your daily paper, then pulls back to reveal it's you reading it on a beach in the Caribbean. Something in the picture strikes you as odd. You realize that the hobo in the car was the one who was supposed to cash the check. You scream out to the heavens "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fade to black. Roll Credits. In your face Michael Bay!
-Jason Adair Unlicensed Thearapist
How can I be sure that I wasn't abused as a kid and the the memories aren't just suppressed in my subconscious?
My parents are getting up in years and their bank accounts are advanced as well. If I am a victim, and I think I may be, I'd say I'm entitled to some compensation.
Please help!
-Crossing my Fingers
Dear Fingers,
Blaming your parents for all your problems is a completely normal and socially acceptable thing to do. Especially when those problems center on the fact that they have more money than you. Unfortunately, you're a couple years too late to hop on the old "suppressed memory" gravy train. Courts and Licensed therapists have been collectively viewing the credibility of this kind of evidence akin to a Michael Bay plot. Jurisprudence today however, is on a new witch hunch against "elder abuse" and if you get caught for trying to squeeze dollars out of your poor old folks you're going to be really screwed. You say they're getting older, so maybe all this situation really calls for is patience. But if you can't wait because you've got a big gambling debt, or your house is being foreclosed on, or you went halfsies on a small yacht and a Real Doll with with Charlie Sheen , then it might be time to take out a large insurance policy and fake your own death. You can forget about the rat race when you steal a hobo's corpse, dress it up in your clothes, sit it in your car, light the car on fire, roll it into a electrical substation, and CASH THAT CHECK! In order to get the check though you're going to need an accomplice. Make sure your accomplice is trustworthy and not another hobo - unless because of a head injury you accidentally confuse the beneficiary hobo with the burned up in the car hobo! The camera starts close up on the cover of your daily paper, then pulls back to reveal it's you reading it on a beach in the Caribbean. Something in the picture strikes you as odd. You realize that the hobo in the car was the one who was supposed to cash the check. You scream out to the heavens "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fade to black. Roll Credits. In your face Michael Bay!
-Jason Adair Unlicensed Thearapist
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Race Against Racism
Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
Barack Obama seems idealistic and a bit unrealistic to me. I have a hard time admitting this as I'm worried it makes me a racist. Does it?
sincerely,
Don't Want to Offend Anyone
Dear Don't,
Whether you're racist or not is not really the issue here. Since you're having trouble admitting these feelings, the real problem is that you're concerned of being perceived as a racist. It's this fear that keeps a lot of people from speaking their mind about important topics, like oppression, hate crimes, and why most breakfasts are really deserts disguised with a sprig of parsley. Your participation in this charade is contributing to the covering of polite American society in eggshells which we are all forced to walk on, which is leading us down a path littered with horribly conceived junior college "artwork" we all have to endure when we want to audit a figure drawing class.
The biggest favor you could do for America and yourself is to break the mold and let out the hateful, misogynistic, bigoted, shallow little person you keep locked up inside. I know that might seem idealistic and a bit unrealistic to you, but I'm sure it's much more believable coming from a middle aged white man.
You're welcome,
Jason Adair
the Unlicensed Therapist
Barack Obama seems idealistic and a bit unrealistic to me. I have a hard time admitting this as I'm worried it makes me a racist. Does it?
sincerely,
Don't Want to Offend Anyone
Dear Don't,
Whether you're racist or not is not really the issue here. Since you're having trouble admitting these feelings, the real problem is that you're concerned of being perceived as a racist. It's this fear that keeps a lot of people from speaking their mind about important topics, like oppression, hate crimes, and why most breakfasts are really deserts disguised with a sprig of parsley. Your participation in this charade is contributing to the covering of polite American society in eggshells which we are all forced to walk on, which is leading us down a path littered with horribly conceived junior college "artwork" we all have to endure when we want to audit a figure drawing class.
The biggest favor you could do for America and yourself is to break the mold and let out the hateful, misogynistic, bigoted, shallow little person you keep locked up inside. I know that might seem idealistic and a bit unrealistic to you, but I'm sure it's much more believable coming from a middle aged white man.
You're welcome,
Jason Adair
the Unlicensed Therapist
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Mooseknuckle Junction
Dear Jason Adair Unlicensed Therapist,
Ok, so I have this friend right. He's in a phase where his pants are moose-knuckle friendly if you know what I'm saying. How do I break it to him that this is simply unacceptable?
I'm not sure that being straight forward about it is the best path. He's the kind of guy who is never wrong. I'm leaning toward some type of public humiliation. What advice can you give me?
Sincerely,
Moose be Gone
Dear Moose be Gone,
The prominent public display of men's testicles goes all the way back to the Greeks, specifically Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, aka George Michael. Though his record label discouraged his wearing mooseknuckle inducing trousers for photo shoots, he could be found sporting the "fig satchel" look at various night clubs/public restrooms in the greater LA area. This trend, like chest waxing and karaoke, caught on with the gay community and has been transmitted from bi-curious college students to the hetero public at large.
At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I will agree that somebody does need to put a stop to these kids and their mooseknuckling. At the same time, I don't want to call for it's outright extinction, as there are certain situations where it is acceptable. (see below)
As far as your friend goes, is he getting any traction with the ladies with this tactic? You do say that he's always right. Could it just be a case of sour grapes because your knuckle is not getting the attention you think it deserves?
Either way, if you do want to change his behavior, I think humiliation is the ticket. The most effective way to do this would be to enlist the skills of a comely female to point at his crotch while doing her best impersonation of a moose call.
If you can't get a girl to do this for you, since you don't seem to have much luck with the ladies, you should try something a little more subtle. Simply hold up your hand, palm towards him, constantly blocking his mooseknuckle from your sight. He, and everyone else around, should catch on pretty quick. But for this to work you must be consistent, which means when you are around him, you must always have one hand free. Be warned though, if you take this route it could turn into a war of attrition, so before you start, ask yourself if you could keep it up for several years, as it could come down to that.
Your friend,
Jason Adair
the Unlicensed Therapist
Ok, so I have this friend right. He's in a phase where his pants are moose-knuckle friendly if you know what I'm saying. How do I break it to him that this is simply unacceptable?
I'm not sure that being straight forward about it is the best path. He's the kind of guy who is never wrong. I'm leaning toward some type of public humiliation. What advice can you give me?
Sincerely,
Moose be Gone
Dear Moose be Gone,
The prominent public display of men's testicles goes all the way back to the Greeks, specifically Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, aka George Michael. Though his record label discouraged his wearing mooseknuckle inducing trousers for photo shoots, he could be found sporting the "fig satchel" look at various night clubs/public restrooms in the greater LA area. This trend, like chest waxing and karaoke, caught on with the gay community and has been transmitted from bi-curious college students to the hetero public at large.
At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I will agree that somebody does need to put a stop to these kids and their mooseknuckling. At the same time, I don't want to call for it's outright extinction, as there are certain situations where it is acceptable. (see below)
As far as your friend goes, is he getting any traction with the ladies with this tactic? You do say that he's always right. Could it just be a case of sour grapes because your knuckle is not getting the attention you think it deserves?
Either way, if you do want to change his behavior, I think humiliation is the ticket. The most effective way to do this would be to enlist the skills of a comely female to point at his crotch while doing her best impersonation of a moose call.
If you can't get a girl to do this for you, since you don't seem to have much luck with the ladies, you should try something a little more subtle. Simply hold up your hand, palm towards him, constantly blocking his mooseknuckle from your sight. He, and everyone else around, should catch on pretty quick. But for this to work you must be consistent, which means when you are around him, you must always have one hand free. Be warned though, if you take this route it could turn into a war of attrition, so before you start, ask yourself if you could keep it up for several years, as it could come down to that.
Your friend,
Jason Adair
the Unlicensed Therapist
Thursday, April 24, 2008
All your problems solved: FOR FREE!
My name is Jason Adair, and I am an Unlicensed Therapist. Not only am I totally unrecognized by any licensing board, I have absolutely no training in any therapeutic field. But I'm not going to let that hold me back in the "helping people" department. Nothing would make me happier than to hear all about your problems and dole out some sage wisdom concerning them. What's more, because I have no formal training, I'm offering theses services FOR FREE! So, if you're having a problem and don't have anyone to turn to, leave it as an anonymous comment below and I'll do my best to help you work through it.
No, Thank you,
Jason Adair
Unlicensed Therapist
No, Thank you,
Jason Adair
Unlicensed Therapist
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